The tears in your eyes and the blood in your veins and the holes in your heart.

It's that moment of understanding where you can envision God strategically placing the stars in the sky and the leaves on the oak trees and the freckles in those perfect pools of blue staring right at you.

And you just know.

You just know that this is how it was intended to be.

You know because your mom cries when you talk about him and your dad hugs you and whispers his words of approval and your co-workers are enthralled with the stories that you tell about him and you feel like sunshine when he calls you "baby," and, most of all, you know because God told you that this was the one. Made especially for you. And he will always protect you.

And the only thing that hurts anymore is your face because you can't stop smiling so incredibly huge.

That's when you know.

I was lost for a lot of years. In the most cliche way possible.
I faked who I was so well that even I forgot about my real self.
I fell "in love" a couple times and "in lust" a couple more.
I hurt people and they hurt me and this world is an endless cycle of pain and sorrow when it comes to our hearts.

Or at least it was. Until now.


You picked up my heart and my body and my soul 

and you dusted them off and kissed them better 

and taught the three how to get along with each other

and now I am completely whole. 

You knew me instantly.

The real me.

The one that cries at homeless people and stray dogs and the one that writes people letters and smiles at strangers in the grocery store.

And, tears running down your face, you said,
"It's okay. I'm here now."

And that was the single most important moment of my entire life up to this point.

You're here now.

Thank you for finally arriving.
I dreamed about you for 20 years.

choose your own adventure

detail of van gogh's roses, 

one of my favorites at the met

who knows where i'll be come the end of finals this semester.
ready to rock the floral design class i'm registered for and set my dreams of being a freelance florist in motion?
will i have pulled an a in the hardest class in the major?
maybe i'll land a sweet internship in park city.
i might set in motion all my groupon-fueled aspirations of archery, ziplining and scuba diving.
or leave the country again, independently researching soviet architecture.
or i could fall in love.

i mean, why not?

Wounds.

It's all because of my skin and my bones and my heart.

stop.

We only hurt because we're human and we're only human because they told us that we are.

stop.

How does the present become the past? How does the future become the present that becomes the past?
How do moments turn into memories when they were promised as "forever?"

stop.

I was thinking about Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin and how they defined my childhood idea of friendship.

stop.

"Forever and ever is a very long time, Pooh." "Forever isn't long at all, Christopher, when I'm with you."

stop.

Forever wasn't long enough. It wasn't long at all.

stop.
stop.
stop.

There's a tattoo on my heart. And it's small. But somewhere, if you read the fine print, you can make out the word "always."

stop.

I didn't pay for it.

stop.

It paid for itself.

ok go.

some stuff. cause i don't always have to actually write, do i?

1/photobooth in dylan's candy bar in nyc 2/a nice rothko, why not?

3/just another gorgeous gaudi building. obsessed. 4/ phillip's hands on the last day of class

5/the flatiron building (i have a thing with architecture, k?) 6/jenny on the playground at swan lake

i think there's a good chance i'm already in love with 70% of the redheaded male population. datemeplease.

today i got a pair of maroon pants at old navy for a dollar fifty. seriously.

i'm 90% sure that i want to grow up and being an education curator, working with family programs in a museum. slash work at a non-profit that works with art education with kids.

i'm discovering a real fascination with architecture. can i specialize in architecture & non-western art? sounds good.

allie's dad makes the best chili sauce in the world. just throwin' that out there.

officially registered for floral design this spring. that's my backup plan in life. can we create a plants minor just for me?

i'm going to graduate in december '14. okay, nearly two years, but when i say i'm going to graduate next fall it sounds REALLY good.

my mom's dating a baker. tonsssss of free baked goods. score.

just found out that if i get married, i can go teach english with ilp again for free AND potential spouse can go free too. going back to china with me is now a condition of marriage. i've already planned how we can go have one of those really cheesy asian photoshoots and i'm really excited.

k-pop, guys. is it embarrassing that i honest-to-goodness love this song?

enough embarrassment for now.

see ya.

nativity

today, this painting was my valentine.
somehow february 14th has a way of making my solitude all too evident. even when i don't care at all every other day! i don't feel a lack of love, but i am always alone on campus, so my literal solitude was very real. i walked around all day and ate lunch by myself in the moa cafe and went to the mall and walked around by myself before work (and let me just throw in there that gosh i hate the mall) but i stopped in front of this painting for a good fifteen minutes in the middle of it all.
it brought me to tears. it really did. looking at those faces and imagining what it was like to look down from the heavens on baby Jesus and what kind of reaction i would have. so many are surprised, or curious; many are joyful and are singing out to the heavens on their way back. there are four faces, though, with tears in their eyes, and they are what gets me. the man in the very right cranes his neck back to catch every glimpse he can of his Savior, while the rest around him make their ascent singing. he seems to deeply understand that one day this sweet baby would die for him, for all of us, and he is overcome with love. so am i.
we're never alone.

together

tuesday night was the first in years that my entire family was under one roof.

my parents left and they took my little brother to the emergency room

(he gets really bad coughs and can't breathe)

and it was strange to know that they were together with him, but it was good.

and even though our parents aren't together,

they are our parents, together. 

and really, no matter what happens, we'll always be a family unit.

i think that's nice.

我很神的孩子

i went to new york city last week,
and i went to the chinese ward in brooklyn.
i helped in primary and a little kung-fu jack lookalike
pressed his forehead to mine,
just like jack did before i ran onstage for the goodbye talent show.
we sang songs about faith and God
but i could barely squeak them out
because i was choking up.
because i was a teacher but i couldn't teach the one thing that i'm 100% certain about:
that i'm a child of God. and they are too.
that was lovely and that was hard
and i'm keeping it in my prayers that one day,
in heaven or on earth,
i will be the one to tell them.