together

tuesday night was the first in years that my entire family was under one roof.

my parents left and they took my little brother to the emergency room

(he gets really bad coughs and can't breathe)

and it was strange to know that they were together with him, but it was good.

and even though our parents aren't together,

they are our parents, together. 

and really, no matter what happens, we'll always be a family unit.

i think that's nice.

我很神的孩子

i went to new york city last week,
and i went to the chinese ward in brooklyn.
i helped in primary and a little kung-fu jack lookalike
pressed his forehead to mine,
just like jack did before i ran onstage for the goodbye talent show.
we sang songs about faith and God
but i could barely squeak them out
because i was choking up.
because i was a teacher but i couldn't teach the one thing that i'm 100% certain about:
that i'm a child of God. and they are too.
that was lovely and that was hard
and i'm keeping it in my prayers that one day,
in heaven or on earth,
i will be the one to tell them.

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

Pardon me, but I have been diagnosed with hopeless-romanticism.
And as little as I like to say it, I just can't deny it anymore.

So I'm packing my things again.

And I'm just going to leave.

My destinations are always unknown, but I just get places. And that's okay with me.

You don't have to know who you are or where you're going.

You just have to know that your feet will get you there. They will get you anywhere.

And I will try not to be honest with you anymore.

Third time's the charm.

I feel obligated to preface this by saying that I am due to speak of "love" here shortly, and apparently there are individuals who have a problem with that. I would like to remind people who read my words that reading is a personal choice, and no one is forcing you to do so. If you have a problem with me, don't associate with me. It's as simple as that. So you may either close the tab or disagree and criticize silently. Or, if you truly feel a need to vocalize or express such negative opinions, then you clearly have some deep-rooted issues you need to sort out, and you should consider a journal or a shrink. I'm happy to help with the funds for either. Thank you.


You're the goosebumps on my arms when I read Shakespeare.


And I hate the way my feet fall asleep when I cry.

It's like when Radiohead runs all the way through my hair and all I can hear is your voice saying, "It's just you and me for always, Mea."

There's nothing quite like gulping in oxygen in -8 degree weather to wake you up from the coma that your last heartbreak put you in.

I remember the calluses on your hands because they were real.
And the freckles on your left ear because they were perfect.

My memory is a haunted place.

But I just tell myself, "One more song. You can run for one more song." And then eight songs later, I'm five miles in and "there's no point stopping now."

I wish I would have taken more pictures of your face. And spent my money on others instead of myself, because that's what you always said was the most important thing: giving.
I wish I would have put my hands up and trusted the roller coaster to hold onto me through the loops.

I should have kissed you more and hit you less.

Everyone says "stop pretending" but I can only be real when I'm watching The Truman Show or yelling at you because you got a stain on my Biggie Smalls shirt.

Oh, how I will miss that love.
And I will even miss that hate a little, too.


And if there's ever another, God please let it be Ryan Gosling.

i know a lot now about love
not everything.
but i know a lot now about the important loves.
the loves that cross oceans and international date lines
& unite people that seem to be quite opposite.
but really, we are never opposites, are we?
we cry and laugh and learn and eat and shop and climb stairs and wash clothes and say hello
and we love love love.
we have a lot more in common than we have in differences.
i know about the real love that grows in smiles and laughter,
even when verbal communication is impossible.
it's not about your car or your dryer or dairy, or even your past and your broken heart.
your heart matters. your personal state matters--but it is not everything. we are not here only for ourselves. if we were, what point would there be in life at all?
it's about the people.
it's always about the people.
you have the power to love an entire nation-
the entire world-
right in there.

it's hard to feel your broken heart when you're giving it all to others.

I will [not] miss you.

 Note: This is a hate post, and maybe some of the meanest things I'll ever say on this blog. Don't say I didn't warn you, and if you're looking for something happy, maybe read something of Hannah's. Happy Hannah. Mad Mallory. Are you seeing a theme, here? Also note that all of what I am about to say is very heat of the moment. I'm just feeling fired up and I'll probably cry about this later because I feel bad about it. Because that's what you do when you love people: you hate them.



It seems as though I've made a lot of promises in the past. Extensive, "forever" types of promises. Making such statements of assurance is very unlike me, but I guess I was feeling infinite.

Or maybe I was just hoping to feel infinite.

Either way, I destroyed yet another beautiful thing.
And the word "infinite" is beginning to make me cringe.

You did that to me.
You turned me against my own favorite word.

I'm sad, I suppose. Not because I've lost you.
But because I've lost a piece of me.

The piece of me that I gave to you.

But I suppose it's rightfully yours now. Do with it what you please.
But I'm mostly hoping you forget about it. Or that you lose it with the rest of your dignity.

My biggest concern right now is how much I stopped caring.

I'd still like to punch you, but I'm hoping I never get the chance.
Because that means I'd have to look at you.
And, frankly, I'm not sure if that's something I'd ever like to do again.

You can say every mean thing to every other person.
It doesn't matter anymore.

Because no one is as sad and pathetic

as you.

So why don't you just stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Might as well, right?


I hope you have a miserable life.

And I really mean that.

For the sake of sanity and all that is holy.

Is it just me or..

is it just so damn hard to come up with words lately?

Emotions are easy. Those are running in at lightning speed.
And, without warning, I just have them.

But words? They have left the building.



I'm not trying to blog about writers block, really.

I'm just trying to blog about the time I never wrote anything because I was feeling everything and it was just too hard to come up with something.
So I wrote nothing.


But nothing can still be something.
Even if that something is just the word, "nothing."

And lately, nothing is my everything.

And everything is definitely something.


So I'll stand on a cliff and let the wind fly through me.
Like Keira Knightley. Pride and Prejudice style.

Because being Keira Knightley seems like a solid solution to most of my problems.




Sorry that there hasn't been anything to read around here lately. Check out heart-distance.blogspot.com to keep up on Hannah's Chinese adventures!