still life with lemons

you're real beautiful inside, don't you know?
all sorts of colors.
there's always new ones to find
& it can be a real adventure to really remember who you are again.
what makes you plum purple and what makes you lemon zest yellow?
what turns your heart into byzantine blue
or your eyes mint green?

and won't it be exciting, one day, to share all those things you did
and all those things you were and loved and learned
with somebody new?
and you can tell them about the time you were light blue like the lines on a china plate
and when you discovered you had all sorts of fiery red in you.

and won't it be beautiful,
because all a sudden,
i think,
together you'll make all sorts of new colors.

The man in my life.

The Breakfast Club's
John Bender.


Never was there such a man that I loved as much as he.

bloom

i've listened to this song a million times in one week
& it says everything my heart is feeling
& it feels like the love that is waiting for me.

funny thing
i was only putting up a video so you could hear it--
i've never watched it.
but this video is exactly how i feel.
i pretend not to be,
but excuse me while i'm a romantic.

love,


i'm taking one step at a time
and it's leading me to you
even though i can't see the end.
& i can feel a little bit of the love we'll have
and i can hear it
and i can see it, too
because it's everywhere.
it's in the sky
and it's a pinprick in the center of my heart.
i can feel it because i know you
i know what you are:
beautiful.


keep going, okay?
and we'll know it when we feel it.


you feel my head with pieces,
han

It takes two.

Two is a very special number. It's the most special number.

The most life-like things come in two's..

Limbs.

Headlights.

Lovers.

I want to be a lover.
But I want to be a fighter, too.
I want to fight for the love I feel.

And I want to kiss someone who knows just how to kiss me. And laugh with someone who knows just how to laugh with me. And cry with someone who knows just how to cry with me. And travel with someone who knows just how to travel with me. And dance with someone who knows just how to dance with me. And sing with someone who knows just how to sing with me. And live with someone who knows just how to live with me. And be infinite with someone who knows just how to be infinite with me.

And love someone who knows just how to love me.

And I hope we get married.
On a cloudy day.
And I want him to throw his fist in the air. Like John Bender on the Breakfast Club.
Because he got me.

We'll be two lovers. Lover 1 and Lover 2. We'll make red body suits that say that on them and prance around with crazy blue wigs on if we please.
Which we probably won't please, but we may be tickled at the idea.

And we'll be so romantic.
And he'll cover my eyes and surprise me with things like picnics and puppies and paintings and I'll make him breakfast in bed simply because I love him and he loves me and we love maple syrup. And he'll mow the lawn while I make spaghetti and we'll slurp it until our mouths meet and we'll laugh until our chairs fall over. And he'll read Shakespeare to me so that I can fall asleep. Because the man that loves me will always make sure I'm asleep before he is. And he'll kiss my nose, and I'll pretend I was too asleep to notice. And we'll paint the walls yellow and paint the front door blue and paint the town red and we'll be all the colors because we're together.

And we will be lovers.
Two crazy, giddy, carefree, undeniably happy lovers.

For eternity.

just an announcement

due to my impending travels to china,
i've decided to start a new blog here.
i wanted to get into the swing of things there before i left.

& i'll still be posting here.
this place is just too good.

anyway, join me on that new adventure, if you wish.

the road to success

working is hard.

one of the hardest trials i've been dealing with lately is trying to find the balance between my big beautiful dreams and the fact that in reality, i get paid minimum wage for putting cookies in boxes at 6:30 every morning.
i can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. i want to be working somewhere that i care about.
it takes a toll on my self-esteem. if i'm going to all these interviews and applying for all these jobs that i am well suited for and enthusiastic about, why am i never getting chosen? why can't anyone see the potential i have?

yesterday as i was driving to jenoa's house to teach her a little bit about photoshop and indesign i drove past this little cluster of bright orange poppies on the side of the road. it was gorgeous and it was just right there, in the middle of nothing. i wondered how the seeds got there and why it was such a small patch. then i remembered that i have the ability to see beauty in things that other people don't. that's a good talent. thank heavens i have at least one good talent. but what the heck am i going to do with it?

we got to talking about our futures and everything we want to accomplish, just like we always do. the beautiful thing about jenoa is that she isn't afraid to have crazy dreams and she doesn't judge anyone else's. she has endless talents and opportunities and she could take a lot of "safe" roads, but she's not going to. because she's brave.
we looked online for apartments in paris that we'll live in one day when she's starting a clothing line & i'm doing all her art directing and graphic design work. it's a beautiful dream, and i have no doubt in my mind that she will do it.

then when i got home i sat on the couch and thought more about success, and i thought about how careers are a big part of it but they are not the extent of it. my success as an individual is dependent upon my love, how i used my talents to serve others, and the things i created. i may not ever have a huge career. but i can easily control and manage the way i am interacting with others.
the truth of the matter is that yes, i will be successful. i will be unconditionally successful because i am setting my own terms for success.
read that again:
i am setting my own terms for success.
i am not following the stereotypes and i am not allowing others to judge my worth based on my resume.

but in reality, i'm writing a severely unorganized blog post that maybe 5 people will read through, after completing 7 job applications.

a few months ago i got a letter from lindsey, and in it she said, i would say that you're going to the change the world someday, but i believe that you already have. 
she didn't know how much i would need that.

Bigger isn't always better.

I can hear so much in the silence. And when I stop, for only a moment, and listen, the world is a new place. Nothing is more astounding than the loud silence that fills your entire body when you're walking the streets of Manhattan or standing in front of a painting that speaks to you, but silently, of course. And your whole body becomes someone else.
That's how I know we are ever-changing. We are evolving within ourselves with every step. With every blink. With every thought.

My feet are so loud, but my voice is so soft.
And I wonder if anyone can hear me when I'm yelling, but I fear that everyone can hear me when I walk.

The world's funny that way.

We fear being watched, being understood, being out of place.
But we drive ourselves crazy just to be noticed or admired.


I don't know much.
But what I do know is that pistachio ice cream is delicious, I will never love a man more than my father, and people will be people.

I will be me. And you will be you.

The silence taught me that.

Yes, dear.