Saturday, August 25, 2012


i read a short story, once, and in it it described how every age you've ever been is like a tiny tin can inside another tin can, and on and on, like russian nesting dolls, and all the while all your ages are rattling inside you.
i was thinking about it on my walk to school, and i thought that maybe love is like that, too. maybe all the people we meet and love make our hearts grow, but our hearts grow layer by layer, person by person. so the reason our hearts can be so big is because we've loved and been loved by so many, and the influence of those people rattle inside us as we move along.
but maybe not, maybe that's not what love is at all. who really knows?
but i do know that i can still feel certain things rattling inside me. certain people rattle inside my heart, making noise and reminding me.
i wonder how much of me i really am, and how much if me is a conglomeration of all the people i've met and all the love i've felt.
i wonder if my determination is jenoa rattling inside of me, or if jackson's tin can is what makes me so still or if trevor's drives me to be kind,
and maybe julia and whitney are where my laughter comes from and the way i squeeze people's hands comes from mikelle's place in my chest, and maybe mack gave me two aspiring green thumbs.
sometimes i imagine sunshine coming right out of my core, through my eyes and into the world, and i think that sunshine is mckay's, and the wrinkles in my nose when i laugh are steve's;
i ask emily's questions and listen with ari's ears,
or at least all that is what i'm trying to do.

and i could go on and on,
and on and on,
but if you're ever around and you hear rattling,
it's my heart making room for your's, too.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


all my apologies for my rather angst-ridden post of yesterday.
i should know by now not to blog on bad nights.

have i told you thank you lately?
thank you so much for reading this.
thank you so much for supporting me.
it's just a really nice feeling, sometimes, to know that 209 people care about what i have to say, or did at one point.
ya'll rock. i mean that from the bottom of my heart.

love to you,

Monday, August 13, 2012


i read my sixteen year old self's journal, today. i haven't done that in a long time, because it's hard to read. if anything, i skip the entire first half and pretend it didn't happen. but i read it, straight through today, and it still hurt but i did it. i felt like i knew her but i also knew that i wasn't her anymore. she had a strong idea of what she wanted to be; i have an unshakable knowledge of who i am.
i was smart and i was stupid. but i'm glad i learned through experiences rather than lessons because that solidifies my values for the future. i was sixteen when i started this blog, and i think you can see how much i've changed if you've read back.
i used to care a lot about my image and what i was saying--making sure it was original and unique. i cared a lot about the music i listened to and the clothes i wore, and i remember i would like things because i wanted to stand out, not because i actually liked them. i didn't realize that when i was doing it, of course, but i think we're all like that at some point.
if i could speak to that sixteen year old, i'd tell her she was doing just fine. that she'd make a lot of mistakes but to remember who really loves her and what real love is. i'd tell her she has some amazing people in her life and she will meet countless more who will change her. i'd tell her that i understood why she didn't write much, but i'd ask her to push past the pain and write the stories anyway. because even though she thinks she never will, she'll forget what hurt and why.
i'd tell her to remember what her best friend said when he called to see if she was okay after she broke up with her boyfriend, and to realize that he is one of the best friends she will ever have.
i'd tell her to pay more attention to when she got feelings to make friends with someone, because the one time she did well at following through, it changed both of their lives. i'd tell her to be more supportive and to have a little more faith in falling in love, because even if it fails in the end, it doesn't mean it never was true.
i'd tell her to get a darn job, because her college student self seriously needs some cash.
i'd remind her of her potential and the importance of time and not to lose it. i'd tell her that it honestly won't matter in the end that she didn't get asked to very many school dances because she'll always make good memories on those nights anyway.
i'd tell her not to try too hard to impress people and try a lot harder to please god, to keep her kisses meaningful, and not to confine herself to any molds.
but she already knew it. she might not have acted on it, but i will.