Monday, August 13, 2012


i read my sixteen year old self's journal, today. i haven't done that in a long time, because it's hard to read. if anything, i skip the entire first half and pretend it didn't happen. but i read it, straight through today, and it still hurt but i did it. i felt like i knew her but i also knew that i wasn't her anymore. she had a strong idea of what she wanted to be; i have an unshakable knowledge of who i am.
i was smart and i was stupid. but i'm glad i learned through experiences rather than lessons because that solidifies my values for the future. i was sixteen when i started this blog, and i think you can see how much i've changed if you've read back.
i used to care a lot about my image and what i was saying--making sure it was original and unique. i cared a lot about the music i listened to and the clothes i wore, and i remember i would like things because i wanted to stand out, not because i actually liked them. i didn't realize that when i was doing it, of course, but i think we're all like that at some point.
if i could speak to that sixteen year old, i'd tell her she was doing just fine. that she'd make a lot of mistakes but to remember who really loves her and what real love is. i'd tell her she has some amazing people in her life and she will meet countless more who will change her. i'd tell her that i understood why she didn't write much, but i'd ask her to push past the pain and write the stories anyway. because even though she thinks she never will, she'll forget what hurt and why.
i'd tell her to remember what her best friend said when he called to see if she was okay after she broke up with her boyfriend, and to realize that he is one of the best friends she will ever have.
i'd tell her to pay more attention to when she got feelings to make friends with someone, because the one time she did well at following through, it changed both of their lives. i'd tell her to be more supportive and to have a little more faith in falling in love, because even if it fails in the end, it doesn't mean it never was true.
i'd tell her to get a darn job, because her college student self seriously needs some cash.
i'd remind her of her potential and the importance of time and not to lose it. i'd tell her that it honestly won't matter in the end that she didn't get asked to very many school dances because she'll always make good memories on those nights anyway.
i'd tell her not to try too hard to impress people and try a lot harder to please god, to keep her kisses meaningful, and not to confine herself to any molds.
but she already knew it. she might not have acted on it, but i will.

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you look really good today!