She was not my favorite person...

But we always said "hello."

I have this still image of her at that party, very intoxicated, laughing hysterically at everything, and I was so bitter. Annoying drunk people are my least favorite. 
"Let's go," I told her when things were winding down and it was time to leave. She ignored me. "LET'S GO," I told her again.
She sighed and said, "Fine. Help me down the stairs." Being the designated driver obviously has its perks.


After that, we didn't see much of each other. We exchanged greetings when we would pass each other on campus or at the dining hall.

I saw her two days ago. She was standing in a group of girls as I walked by, but I opted out of saying "hello" because I figured it would be rude of me to interrupt the conversation she was having.

But now, more than anything, I wish I would have stopped to say "hello." And hug her, even. And kiss her cheek. And apologize for getting annoyed at her when she was drunk. And tell her that I wished we could have been better friends than we were.
Because she was in the final countdown.

You know...
Death is so hard to understand.
I'm apathetic toward death. I don't know what to make of it.
Because, depending on your version of religion, death can sometimes be happy,
even though it's always sad.

Life happens so fast.

She has sat on the bed that I sleep on every night.
She still has a belt of mine I once let her borrow.
She curled her hair in my bathroom before we hit the town a few times.
And that's the extent of our memories.
That's all we'll ever have.

Life is delicate. Life is the most fragile thing we'll ever have.
Be careful with it.
But don't be afraid of it.

For my sake,
and for the sake of the people that love you,
take care of yourself.

just remember

just remember through all the college applications,
job interviews,
dreams,
goals,
lists,
and marriage and motherhood church lessons

that you have worth right now.
you aren't just a future college student, grad student, employee, achiever.
not only a future mother and wife.
not just a future _____________.
you are you. right now. a beautiful person. a worthwhile person. a powerful, intelligent person capable of action at this very moment. not just planning.

and you have some living to do.




note to self.

so maybe.

so, yeah, maybe every boy in your life teaches you a lesson.
but maybe those lessons aren't supposed to be huge every time.
you know, maybe he's just supposed to make you smile.

I'm just.. not that into you...

Her: "Who is the man this week, Mal?"

Me: "[his name]. I think I introduced you a couple days ago...?"

Her: "Oh, yes. And how are things with him?"

Me: "Eh... I'm bored of him."

Her: "(laughing) Oh that is such a familiar story. Seriously, you're ridiculous. I can't wait to meet the guy that doesn't bore you after two weeks. Or two minutes, even. Whoever he is, you'd be crazy not to marry him."


I laughed.
But then I realized that she's right.
I get bored of those boys way too quickly.
I think we all find ourselves getting bored too quickly.
Not only of "significant others," but of people in general.
My very best friends are the people that have never bored me.
Even when we're doing absolutely nothing at all but sitting next to each other and thinking within our own minds for long periods of time.

The ones that never bore us are probably the ones who have the ability to entertain us forever..
Even when we're old and gray.

And such is life.

silence.

julie mehretu--stadia II

another reason why art is indispensable to my happiness is because when i am making it, i am still.
i am not a very talented artist. but i love painting because my mind turns off. there are no thoughts clouding my head. only silence. and i have found that this is the only place that that is so.
these experiences are almost sacred. i think we all have things that speak to us in special ways. this is mine. and i feel very close to God with splats of india ink on my fingers.
i'd forgotten. i haven't painted for months. i'd forgotten about the stillness. but i am in a studio tech class this semester. on wednesday nights, i sit in a light-filled room in the hfac and i draw with ink or paint with fresco or make prints or plaster sculptures. and it feels so good.


life is not what is said, but the process of saying, not the created picture, but the creating.
gerhard richter.


and that's why the time i spend painting a bad picture is worth it.
and, you know, that's also why the time spent living and making mistakes is also worth it.
it's the process.

if there's one, resounding lesson i've been taught since i've been at school, it's to act. to live. and to have no fear.

i'm still working on it. but i'm improving.

trevor. & me, the social butterfly.

so, living in freshman housing, there are countless immature and obnoxious young men.
trevor wilson, however, is not one of them.
we adore him.
this is a shout out to trevor. because he said this to me last night as we were making pizza grilled cheese:
"there are not a lot of things i hate in this world. but these are the three things i hate, in this order:
1. satan
2. spreading hard butter on bread
3. communism."


...all of a sudden i love freshmen.
i haven't gone home since i came back.
& i've been social, guys. we've invited people over twice and gone bowling and i've gone on two dates and i've gone to spark 3 times and a lot of dance parties and chick flicks and had quite a few later-than-2-AM-nights and i am just having so much fun.

no wonder i can't seem to get myself to do my homework.

what has happened to me?

GOOD NEWS.

Matthew Gray Gubler,

the very man of my dreams,

has a dog.

Named Mallory.

And this is a picture he drew of her:

And here's a picture of them being best pals:

I can't decide if the fact that his dog and myself have the same name is proof that he and I are meant to be.

Or a signal that it's never gonna happen.

But I'm just going to say that it's a sign that we're meant to be.
Because, honestly..

I really do think that I love him...

hello.

i am a funny contradiction.
well, i am several funny contradictions.
but one of them is at i am simultaneously introverted and fearless of talking to new people.
i'm not loud. at all. but sitting next to cute boys or cool girls and making friends doesn't phase me much. in fact, the times i have have given me very cherished friendships. (remember when i acted on talking to that attractive swooshy-haired? yeah. we're still friends.)
i said a prayer the other day for help to send all the love i feel inside of me out, and i've found the way to do it fairly easily this week.
saying hello to strangers is something that i try to do on a regular basis but most of the time at college, i find myself thinking too much to remember to do it. and, a lot of the time, i'm perfectly content being alone.
i decided to try to talk to strangers more often this week to send a little bit more of my love into the universe and it has felt so good.
i have met a redhead named sarah who spends christmas vacations at the beach in texas. i made friends a boy named sam who got pants with american flags on them for christmas (from his sister who is about to have a baby) so he can wear them and be uncle sam. i met a girl named emily & together we're going to the mat kearney concert next month. mckenzie is taking living with plants this semester, and i gushed about that class as i saw her holding the textbook for it in the bookstore line. lisa isn't a huge fan of our art history class, and she's an elementary ed major. so is emily. i introduced them.
and though these interactions were tiny they have completely changed my mood everyday this week. my most exciting time is going to political science, where there is 300 students, because i get to meet someone new everyday. i've noticed that when i'm washing my hands in public restrooms, i don't even look at myself in the mirror. i don't care about what i look like. i'm not sure what that's a sign of, but it's a sign of something very good.
my roommate joselyn told me that after she saw me introduce myself to sarah in our book of mormon class, she decided to meet people in each of her classes that day. so i wonder how many people were extra friendly, simply because they saw me or someone else say hello to another. and so i'm wondering how many people's days we can make if all of us do it tomorrow.

so say hello. if there's one thing i can promise, it's that it will be worth it.

Don't settle for anything less.

"...Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got into the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide." When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing.
And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

If he makes you feel infinite,
he's the one.

if you haven't noticed

i'm filled with words this week.
i have five other posts in draft and we'll see how many of them get posted.
i'm filled with words about how as i sat on my blue sheets this morning, alone in my room, the sunshine made the colors in here so beautiful. and i thought words about light blue eyes and long, long eyelashes. about best friends in florida and being able to check off 5 months. about america's new democracy and how i want to stay in college forever, learning about art history and french and political science and botany and maybe a class or two about the middle east. about messages from long lost friends and messages from brand new ones. about taking chances and very small, very quirky, very cute ears. about my tiny thumbs and how i love the word tiny. about how i can never live alone because i will always need someone to kill the spiders and open the jars. about the beauty of thick eyebrows and the wall of mine covered in art postcards of paintings and sculptures i've actually seen.
i'm not even sure who i thought i was five years ago when i took pictures of myself with my digital camera and here i am doing it again, except even less legit because i'm using a webcam.
and my new year's resolution is to kiss an emotionally stable and definitely straight boy because it's been almost two years since i've kissed any kind of boy but let's be real, that really isn't my new year's resolution. i only wrote that one down on the paper because it's the one that scares me the least.
and i've thought a lot about conquering fear.

that's only approximately 1/17th of all the things i have words for this week.
stay tuned, i guess.

all we can do is keep breathing

today it struck me how beautiful of a thing breathing is.
on cold days i always take pleasure in seeing my breath escape me as i exhale into the frigid air. those little white clouds of breath are just so lovely.
and i thought about how this world is full of so much air. it's been everywhere. it is everywhere. we can breathe it into our lungs and it helps us live and fills us up and then we let it back out into the atmosphere. we are literally taking part of this beautiful universe inside of us for a moment and it's helping us be us for another moment. and with every breath, we are getting closer to our goals, farther from our childhood, closer to death and also closer to beautiful beginnings of chapters.
i think most of all it's beautiful because it's a reminder that i'm alive.
and what a beautiful thing it also is to be alive.

My intentions were good...

I just lost myself in the moment..
Which seems to happen much too often. I just have a knack for saying all the wrong things.
I make putting your own foot in your mouth appear to be in style.

I'm at a tough age. But it's a tough life.
And if, for one second, you ever thought that it would be easy,

you were wrong. You were so wrong.
But don't be discouraged. Everyone is.
Everybody is wrong.
Even your favorite Republican candidate.
Yep. Even him. He's wrong, too.

But all the little girls and boys with their knotted hair and their freedom and their dirty fingernails will agree with me when I say that there is adventure to be had and discoveries to be made and flowers to be picked.

So why in the world am I wasting my time trying to fit into a pair of adult shoes?

...My feet have always been abnormally small (this is not only a metaphor, but a fact: I'm 5'8" and I wear a size 7).


The world is going to end this year, anyway.

Let's have some fun.

Don't worry, Napolean.

I'm sure there's a babe out there for you, too.
Peace out.

encounters.

today i was (lucky?) enough to have several awkward encounters. you know, like finding myself in a headlock by a tall blonde boy on a crosswalk and accidentally seeing someone fall over the ledge they were trying to do some cool parkour move over to get their bike. but the best of all happened in the library bathroom.
the relief society president in my ward is pretty awesome. she's quite a talker. i'm standing in line for the bathroom when she says, "hey! i really like your hair!" and i turn around because she gave me the same compliment yesterday and she goes "I KNOW YOU!!!" and gives me a big hug.
then she proceeds to tell me about her elementary ed class and this song about rattlesnakes that she learned and then she asks me if she can sing it to me right now. i nod. she starts singing and jumping and everyone else in there is like.. whaaaat?
so then i just go into the stall and as i'm washing my hands she hollers to me (from the stall that she's in. just yelling to the void) "hannah! before you go! are you still seeing that guy?"
i don't know what to do, so i say yes, and i laugh and all the other girls laugh, then she asks if i like him and i say yes, they laugh more. then i try to leave as she's telling me we should talk about this in private (duh) and one girl says, "so now we're all wondering who this guy is!"
and i make my grand exit as i tell them all, "welcome to my life, everyone! welcome!"

then i proceed to hide behind the new york times in my spot.

what a great day in the HBLL.

I have an illness.

It's called "hopelessdevotiontothemostbeautifulthingontheplanetearth."

Or, "love," for short.

I'm about to infect you with this illness.
You see, it is highly contagious, and I'm about to pass on germs through a technological "sneeze," if you will.

If you are not interested in getting incredibly ill,
look no further.

But.

For those of you who think you can take on this over-powering disease,

prepare yourselves.

And proceed with caution.

*Note: Symptoms include constant daydreaming and unrealistic expectations.
No cure has yet been found for the illness you are putting yourself in great risk of.
If you are continuing to scroll down, I commend your bravery.

...

...

Matthew Gray Gubler?
I'm ready to have your children.

(I hope he never sees that in real life.

That would just eliminate my odds entirely.

(Not that I really have any to begin with...))

-M

she expected the world.

the more i live the more i realize that things never go as planned.
i didn't plan on being at byu.
i didn't plan on living with my roommates.
i didn't plan on divorce.
i didn't plan on taking plants class.
but i did. i am. it happened.

i'm so grateful that God doesn't allow us to write our own plans. to have things as we would want them at the moment. so often our lives change in ways we never anticipated and the best part of that is that we change in ways we never anticipated.
and we can become better than we ever planned.
i think about my expectations for 2011 as of last january. almost none of those things happened except for one: to be happy. and that's really the only important one.

so if nothing goes as expected, what do we have to lose?
why not?

Cheers. To the Freakin' New Year.

The clock struck midnight, and my eyes welled up as the confetti shot around the room.

It was finally 2012.

I then turned to my left and saw the person that I always look forward to seeing the most.

She turned to me shortly thereafter and we smiled at each other and clasped hands.

Then, simultaneously, we wrapped our arms around each other and I felt instant relief.

"We did it," she said.

And I smiled as the first tear fell.

"Yes we did," I replied.

It was over.

The worst year of my life was over.

I'm not one for crying (ask any of my best friends or ex boyfriends).
But I always cry on New Years.

Because it's beautiful.

It's sad and it's happy.
It's a goodbye and a hello.
It's a loss and a gain.
It's a lesson learned and a lesson awaiting.
It's a sign that I've progressed. I've grown.
And I deserve a good cry because I made it another 365 days.

2011 was the absolute worst.
But I guess that means 2011 was the absolute best.
Because, in losing, I feel that there is so much to gain.

Awkward Collage of Pretty/Memorable Things from 2011:

Hello 2012.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.



xoxo

"Vlogging."

it's not our forte.

not easy, but worth it.

for your visual pleasure i have provided you this graphic to illustrate my changes in the last year. however, as you can see, i haven't aged much. in fact, i feel like i look a bit younger now. i'm sure my new pigtails help with the smallish-child image, as that is the only hairdo i can manage these days. but, despite my pigtails and youthful vigor, i am in fact a whopping 18 years old and i am in fact a college student and i have, in fact, just started living what i hope to call the best year of my life yet.
well, i just wrote a sentence stating that the eighth grade was the best year of my life (what year was that? 2007?) but then i realized that it was by no means by best (though i did have all the boys after me that year, for the only time in my life) it was the easiest. i have the tendency--i think we all have this tendency--to equate "good" years, months, days and weeks with "easy" ones. what an unfortunate way to think. i don't know about you, but i would rate many more of my days as "hard" than "easy", but a vast majority of my days are definitely in the category of "good". i don't have that many bad days. i think we should let go of this rating system we have where we yearn and wish for easy, sunshine-filled days and instead cherish the days that are the most rewarding.
my high school years were devastatingly hard at times but they were also absolutely incredible and rewarding. so was this year.
although at times 2011 proved to be impossibly hard, i have grown more this year than any of my past ones. last year i wrote that it was the year that i would start to tie up my loose ends and all the lessons i had learned from my trials and begin to build a better me. and i have. it was a transition year full of brand new experiences and i am proud of how i have started to live the lessons learned instead of just learning them. i realized that growth could be a choice, not just forced, and that it is much more peaceful that way.
i graduated high school, and that wasn't easy, but it was rewarding. i said goodbye to my best friend while he went to serve a mission for two years, but his letters have enriched my life more than i would have ever imagined. i lost a family that i had grown accustomed to but i gained six new family members, and that is still hard, but rewarding. i moved out on my own and i have to actually go to the grocery store and spend my own money on vegetables, and that is not easy. i have to go to the library until two a.m. sometimes, but in the end, i get the grades. nothing has been easy. but it all has been worth it.
i've grown up. a lot. and i still have a lot to do before i can comfortably call myself an adult, and that's okay. i'm cherishing my time as a child. i've got to keep these pigtails as long as i can.
it's okay to be glad that 2011 is over. i know a lot of people who are. but before you write it off as the worst, take a second. remember the times you grew. you learned. you added light to your soul. the times you smiled, even through the heartache. it may have been the hardest. but i hope that you can say that it was worth it.
i'm glad all the hard years have happened to me. without them, i wouldn't be me. and i like me.
so here's to 2012, a new beginning.
for some of us, it may be simple. for some of us, it may be complicated.
for all of us, may we grow, learn, and smile. may it be worth it.
and may we always continue to keep climbing a little higher.