Friday, March 30, 2012

This is a tribute.

A tribute to my favorite movie.
And to John Bender, the man of my dreams.

"And these children that you spit on,
As they try to change their worlds,
Are immune to your consultations,
They're quite aware
of what they're going through"
-David Bowie

Long Live The Breakfast Club.

Monday, March 26, 2012

and the truth is

...that i miss you.
there's a space in here that no one else can fill,
you're the only shape that fills this hole in my heart,
you really are.
you make me something better than i am
& i like who i am the most when i'm with you.
i miss how i told you every detail of every day
i miss being hanny
i miss snowcones on curbs
i miss giggles
i miss dolphin-shaped pb&j's
i miss watching episodes of friends every night
and i miss scrunchy, smiley eyes and noses.
the way you somehow got a lot more tan than i did last summer
the way the swings sounded under us
the way the wind felt coming through the window of your truck
the way you tell me to stay sweet.
i regret that we wanted too badly not to cry that i didn't tell you i loved you
i regret that i didn't hold on longer for that last hug
i regret that i never exactly told you
that you kept me going,
that you were so often my strength and my sunshine,
that you know me in a way that probably no one else will again.

and maybe one day you'll be right,
maybe one day we'll fall in love.
you called that one, so many years ago under bright yellow leaves.

but maybe not,
and that's just as good.
because i had you then,
i have you now,
i'll always have the boy...

and i tried right there to insert something that describes you, but i can't, because you're everything.

i'll always have the boy who was everything.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

don't go.

i want to keep you.
will you let me put you in my pocket?

i'm used to people leaving, i think.
it's what i expect.
and so when you become important to me,
i will cling and claw to try and keep you, because i am terrified that one day you will wake up and you won't want to keep me anymore.
so i do everything i can to keep you,
which will probably end up being the thing to drive you away.
(am i talking about physical distance? no, i'm talking about heart distance here)
and i'm sorry,
i'm sorry i can't stop worrying deep inside
i'm sorry i don't trust enough to let life happen
i'm sorry i can't always stay so calm
i'm sorry i can be so desperate.

and even though i shouldn't
and even though i would never admit it
i love far too easily,
far too quickly.
my heart is full of it, it's spilling out, and it's splashing on everyone i meet.
i love you in the most basic way,
i love you in the way you love in feelings without knowings
i love you in the way that isn't need; i love you in the hopeful way.
but the bottom line is
i love you.

and i am so very aware that love rarely ever stays
but that won't stop me from wanting it to,
it won't stop me from trying to keep you.
i will keep trying to keep you.
all of you.
all of the yous i've ever had.

and that is my downfall.

don't go.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I have done some things I'm not proud of.

And I'm fully willing to admit it:
I'm not proud of hurting the one I loved the most.
I'm not proud of cheating my way to the top.
I'm not proud of making fun of the girl who just needed a friend.
I'm not proud of letting my anger win and punching him in the face.
I'm not proud of telling her that I hated her when all she ever did was love me.
I'm not proud of my various well-deserved titles, including (but not limited to) "bad influence," "boyfriend steal-er," and "cold heart-ed beyotch."
I'm not proud of leaving him behind just to teach him a lesson that I didn't even know myself.
I'm not proud of saying "yes" when I should have said "no."
I'm not proud of saying "no" when I should have said "yes."
I'm not proud of making excuses and jumping to so many conclusions.
I'm not proud of lying to him. And him. And him. And him, too.
I'm certainly not proud of my constant forgetfulness.
And I'm not proud of my slight history of cheating in card games.

But, all things considered and all doubts and downfalls aside,

I am proud of me.

Because I've done some difficult things.

And I'm proud of you, doubts and downfalls aside.
Because I know how hard life can be. And here you are, still living.

I hope you're proud of you, kid.
You owe it to yourself.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

the comfort zone

i used to be that girl who kept to herself for fear of interruption.
i would rather keep a small number of close friends than try branching out.
i'd stay home on weekends and snuggle up with a book instead of going out.

then i decided to be brave. i decided that a long time ago, actually. and since then, i've done a lot of living. i was talking with my mother the other day about all the opportunities i've had. all the places i've gone, the lessons i've had, the experiences in general. she told me that i was very lucky; my siblings won't have the same opportunities. and she's right. thank heavens i took advantage of them.

still, i'm not as courageous as i could be. and it's been something i've been working on a lot this year. i challenged myself to make more real friends at college, and i have. i have exerted myself to be more involved and it has been very rewarding. everyone here makes me so happy, and i've even been lucky enough to meet a few who really strike a chord with my heart. the ones that fit, that your spirit knows, you know? and i wouldn't have found that if i hadn't acted.
that's been the smallest step. today i found myself completely outside of my comfort zone multiple times. i started a job as a tutor at provo high school. so there i am in the library, trying my best to recall any trigonometry i've ever learned in my life, teaching low-income students who are probably speaking spanish about me behind my back. but i loved it. i loved the kids, so much. they're beautiful, sweet people. i feel so lucky to have service and money-making meshed into one job. right now, i'm babysitting my neighbor's children until saturday. babysitting was never my thing. domesticity is not my thing. but i love this, too. and it feels so good to increase the size of my comfort zone while i'm increasing the size of my heart.
also, i have made the executive decision to pack up and move to china for 4 months this fall. teaching english to little ones. should that be scary? i'm not sure. but sometimes, it feels good to be fearless.

i feel a lot more free than i used to. i can feel my place in the world fairly easily as i move around in it. that's a huge blessing, i think. i remember feeling out of place. it's not very fun. there's a lot of life available for living. it's waiting for me to grab it, to hold on and ride it out. and it would be the greatest disappointment to one day reach the end and wish i would have played it a little less safe, been a little less practical.
i was never much one for practicality, anyway.
you know, at this age, there are countless opportunities and decisions to be made. a lot of times adults will dissuade you. you're wasting time, money, resources, intelligence, etc. and it's true, there are most definitely consequences. but you've got to weigh them. are your dreams worth it? are they worth thousands of dollars, months away, possible loneliness? i think they often are. yeah, it may be kinda reckless. but we're young. i can't say we don't have anything to lose, because we do. but we also have everything to gain.

what's the most courageous thing you've ever done, and what did you learn from it? please, tell me.

Monday, March 12, 2012


But he was looking at her, yeah all funny in the eye
She said "come on boy tell me what you're thinking
Now don't be shy."
He said alright, "I'll try

All the stars up in the sky

And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you."

She said "what?"

He said "let me try and explain again

"Right, birds can fly so high

And they can poop on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you"

She said "what?"

He said "you"
She said "what are you talking about?"
He said "you"

She said "thanks, I like you too"

He said "cool"

--birds, kate nash

do you realize how beautiful the sky is today?
i am happy.
i am wearing my paris dress
i'm listening to james vincent mcmorrow
i'm filling out china forms
and i am happy.

i'm thinking about the way i was two years ago. the way me and little jacob were when we got called to seminary council and then we became best friends. i was thinking about it because i sat on his couch saturday night and he was playing his guitar and singing songs and he was really good. and he didn't use to be that good. and he's grown up so much, he's going on that mission, and i'm really impressed with the man he's becoming. and we aren't the two 16 year olds who bonded over obscure bands, nor are we trying to be anything cool anymore. we just are. we're ourselves. and so is everyone else i know from high school, and i wonder if that comes with age or if it comes with the times, but none of us seem to care about obscure bands or being cool anymore, and we would have denied that we cared when we were 16 but in retrospect, we really really did.
i'm thinking about how me and jacob and jackson and whit and ari went to see tin tin at the sticky shoe on saturday night, but the film caught on fire so we watched the image burn away, quite literally, and it was really kind of beautiful, but then we didn't get to see our movie. so we went to jacob's and listened instead.

i'm thinking about that.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

If you have not yet seen this film,

then you should drop everything and see it now.

The music is fantastic.
The cinematography is sensational.
The story is inspirational.
And R.G. is beautiful.

Monday, March 5, 2012

sun makes me think like a laura

But a friend of mine says it's good to hear
That you believe in love even if set in fear
well I'll hold you there brother and set you straight
I wont make believe that love is frail
And willing to break

goodbye england--laura marling 

i know more about love today than i have before.
a little bit more,
and this time a little bit more about what it is instead of what it isn't.
and you know,
i don't think it's a frail thing,
i think it's a sturdy thing
maybe a stubborn thing sometimes
but always kind
always changing
but never very fragile.
because we are fragile
or maybe we're just too careful.
but love is strong
because it still exists
it persists
and the reason it breaks is because a person decides to break.
because love doesn't have a mind of it's own,
we do. 
it's never love's fault. love is always good.

that's what i think about it today.

and it is 63 degrees outside and people are laying on blankets
i received a surprise scholarship from the art history department
i'm going to china to teach english to children this fall
jorg spells cruisin' "kroesin" in his head now because of me
i'm swinging with my little brother in my own backyard this afternoon,
and you know there really is no place like home
an anonymous sweetheart colored me a picture and wrote me a poem and left it on my door
and i would like to say thank you to the void
and my heart feels bittersweet but mostly i am happy
because magic ones really exist
and i found one
and he's so magic that i can't keep him
but that's a lucky thing
because if he would let me keep him he wouldn't be so good.

and i really like sentence fragments and lacks of punctuation and starting sentences with conjunctions.
just like laura cottrell.
and she's beautiful.
and she thinks right.

you look really good today
go outside.

Friday, March 2, 2012


today i went to krispy kreme with joselyn because we missed our turn at the previous light and decided to stop for a donut.
i parked next to a huge red truck with a mother and two sons in it. i opened my door and accidentally tapped her car, (really, i'm not exaggerating, it was a tap) but i didn't realize it so i kept walking.
she opens her door and comes barreling out,
"hey! you just hit my car with your door!"
"oh my gosh i'm so sorry, i didn't know i did that!"
"you doored me real good! i heard a huge thump inside my car!"
"i am so sorry ma'am."
she examines her car, but it's covered in mud. there is literally not a scratch.
"okay you can't see the scratch because it's too dirty."
"i really am so sorry," i said, "i didn't mean to do that."
"it's okay, you cant tell."
"okay, well you have a great day!"
"you, too," she said.
and then i walked in.
then, i watched her as she proceeded to inch her car back and forth in the parking stall until she was close enough to mine to produce a good scratch on my door. i came back outside to find two good, deep, red scratches on my driver's side door.
and i don't even care about my car. it's the crappiest thing in the world, and i don't know if she noticed but i have a large collection of other scratches hangin' out on that thing. but my heart is still so bothered because that's not the right thing to do.
it's not right to seek revenge, especially when people have made honest mistakes. it's not right to harbor grudges and to send meanness into the world. what has our world come to? we do not need any more anger. we need people who are kind, courteous, respectful.
i wonder about her two sons and the kind of example she's setting for them. i wonder what they will do one day when they get hurt far worse than a car-door bump. i wonder if they realize that a scratch on a car is literally the smallest problem in the world. there are so many awful things going on every day and we should never waste our time being angry at the small stuff.
i think that the reason our society has gone downhill so far is because our people sweat the small stuff. so many are turned to anger about tiny things that don't matter, and it escalates up and up, through small people to more prominent people and small problems to problems blown out of proportion and soon we have terrorists; we have a war on our hands.
and i think we are like soldiers, us kind people. we are the troops that God uses to occupy satan's territory of anger and distrust. we are undermining the adversary when we choose to forgive, when we choose to let go, when we choose to smile, when we choose to love, even when our love will be one-sided.
and i think so much about our character is determined by the decisions we make in the face of tiny injustice and annoyance and fear.
you know, God quizzes us. he sends us tiny problems to test our reactions--have we learned right? and those quizzes simultaneously determine the trust God will have in us as well as prepare us for the tests. and it's good to pass the quizzes; it's wonderful. but it's more important to learn from them, to realize that this is the small-scale material that one day we will have an big test on. and we had better be ready, or we will see the consequences.
pay attention, this is a pop quiz. you know the right answer.