Friday, December 30, 2011

Kissing, Part II

Think back. To this past February. I posted this.
Go back, re-read, have a good laugh, yada yada.

I have decided to do some follow up posts regarding this lovely little topic.
Because, well, let's face it.
We all love kissing. Even those of you who haven't tried it yet!
And if you would like to deny that you love it, you're either not human or you're a lying idiot.

Okay. First things first, here.
If you are an inexperienced kisser, or if you are an experienced kisser but are bold enough to say that you still have no idea what in the dickens you're doing,
PRACTICE.Practice makes perfect, people.
I can honestly testify of this.
The worst kiss I've ever had was with the same person who enlightened me with the best kiss I've ever had.
That darling thing was devoted to learning the ways.
So, of course, being the brilliant artist that I am, I taught him.
And now he will go on, hopefully, to make many women weak in the knees and light in the head.
I am so proud.

My next item of business is for you experienced kissers:
Do the world a solid and don't leave any man behind!
This doesn't mean kiss anyone/everyone (I mean you can if you want but.. be safe).
This means that it is your responsibility, as one of the gifted ones, to pass the artistry along!
If you come into contact with a most horrific kisser, it is your duty to make them better.
Plus, you don't want your name left on one steamy, but true, rumor when the other person is not skilled.
Because their next victim will know that you were once there.
And you did absolutely nothing to save this poor soul.
That just gives you a bad name.
So, all in all,
Don't let us down.

And to conclude today's message:

Monica:  What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey:  Yeah, right! .....You serious?
Phoebe:  Oh, yeah!
Rachel:  Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica:  Absolutely.
Chandler:  Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, you know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross:  Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's now why we bought the ticket...
Chandler:  The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, you know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically trying to stay awake.
Rachel:  Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because the kiss already has within it that surrender."
-Emil Ludwig

You know you love me.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

"he's very nice."

"he's something," i replied.
she considered this, zipping her purse shut. then she said,

"well, everyone is."

what happened to goodbye--sarah dessen

Sunday, December 18, 2011


if the sidebar that says 186 people read this blog means that at least even 5 people do, then i have a responsibility. because this is a platform. and i'm a spokesman. and if you're going to spend your time reading my words they shouldn't be about me.
i don't care about you reading any of this blog. but i want to you know one thing.
i want you to know that God lives. that He loves you. that His son, Jesus Christ, knows you personally. that He knows what it felt like when you stubbed your toe and He knows how much your heart hurt that night when you couldn't do anything except fall onto the floor on your face. and He knows the loneliness you sometimes feel when you look at the stars and He knows what it's like to be torn.
He was born years ago in Bethlehem and the stars shone bright and we were angels and we sang upon his arrival.
He is real. He died for us. and He lives.
i don't care if you know how much i love art or chocolate or about my adventures with a film camera. no, that is not important. but please know this about me:
my name is hannah, i am a daughter of a magnificent and perfect Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ is my brother, and i will return to live with both of them, along with my family, through the grace and atonement of the Holy One. i know, with an unshakeable knowledge, of His reality. i know this because i am happy. i am whole. i am pure. my soul has healed. my fear is gone. and i have hope. and because when i had my rock bottom and the tears streamed down my face along with whispers begging for safety and help and security, i felt His love enter my heart and make my burdens light. i know because that night, i sat on a grassy hill under the stars and i said out loud that i could do it. that wasn't me speaking. how would i ever think that i could do it two hours later? i couldn't have. there was a greater power working within me and around me and that has never left. i have been guided with a gentle hand through treacherous terrain and i am safe. and i always will be.

He is real. and i love Him.

and that is the only thing i have ever written that you are allowed to quote me on.

whatever God you believe in, believe. and share the light you get from that belief. whether you believe in Jesus Christ or not, take this time to be grateful, joyful, full, warm, to see the beauty of the world, and to realize that the things that have happened to you that are the most beautiful came from something much greater than you.

have yourselves a merry little Christmas, and remember. remember why it is merry. remember why it is Christmas at all.

Do you ever hate yourself?

I mean, not completely.
But you look back at something that you did and you just wish that, more than anything, you could go back for a redo.
Because sometimes we make poor choices when it comes to being "in the moment."
Life would be a much smoother road if we had some time to think about the pros and cons of every decision that we have to make.

And, a lot of times, you hear people say that they would go back and redo something in a heartbeat.
Because they have the hardest time getting past the shame of something they chose.
Or didn't choose, for that matter.

Today, I thought hard about this..

I've made a lot of mistakes.
And done a lot of things I wish I didn't do.
And I have often wished that I could go back..
Often wished I could start over and make myself out to be less of a fool.

But, realistically,
if I ever had the chance to go back, to rewind,

...I'd probably do it the same.

Broken hearts, stupid hair cuts, and all the rest.

Wouldn't you?

No regrets.
Only lessons learned.


P.S. Go see My Week With Marilyn. It's what inspired the above photo. 
I guarantee you'll love it.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

and thus we can see

that i have the most beautiful friends in the entire. world.

just some of my favorite photos from black and white roll of film i filled with faces.

happy testing.


Finals Week.

I'm supposed to be stressed.
And constantly studying.

Instead, I am reading NBA player profiles and watching entire seasons of Friends at a time.

So I fail all my finals.
So long as I have basketball and Chandler Bing--the two things I love most in this world--I am content.

Merry Finals Week.

Kiss someone for the heck of it.


Saturday, December 10, 2011


i am moving next semester to the most beautiful dorm room you have ever seen, i can assure you.
also the biggest one you've ever seen. and well, once we get settled, it'll be the cutest one you've ever seen, too.
the building that i am living in now is going to be torn down.
i was the last one to sit on the nasty blue couch and to tiptoe down the probably infested carpet. i was the last one to sleep in this bed. i was the last one to run up the stairs and to get locked out of this door and to stare at the beautiful tree out the window. i was the last one to scream when i opened that mailbox. i was the last one to laugh at the brick featuring a very scary looking cougar. i was the last to do my homework on the balcony while it rained. i was the last to live here.
and i've lived here.
and girls have been living here for sixty years. (really, that's how old this place is.) there have been so many adventures in these halls.
i'm moving into a building and i'll be the first to live in there. i'll be the first to people-watch out the windows and to look at the temple glow in the night before i go to bed. i'll be the first to study her brains out on the new couch that will look so tacky in ten years. i will be the first to do dishes in that dishwasher and hang pictures on the walls and dance in the kitchen. when people wonder about the first girl to sleep in that bed, it will have been me.

and it's so strange but also kind of beautiful that the spaces we live in can be so temporary. they are so personal but they aren't ours. we've shared them with countless others and our lives happen in them. we've slept in the same beds. we've dreamed in them and studied in them and cried in them and laughed in them and watched movies in them and stared at the ceiling in them and wrote in our journals in them. and we shared that all.

homes are special places.
and maybe this isn't all the way home,
but in all actuality it kind of is.
and i feel blessed to feel that way.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Please don't stop the music.

I made a playlist of my very favorite songs.
And it's all I've been listening to lately.
And now I am just so giddy with happiness about how fantastic all of my favorite songs are
that I just want to share them with you!
Because they are all so beautiful.
So, without any further ado, I am pleased to present to you
my ten favorite songs of all time
(for now).

Let the countdown begin:

10. The Way You Look Tonight 

-Frank Sinatra

I love this one because of the terribly wonderful 90's chick flick, "My Best Friend's Wedding."
If you haven't seen it, you absolutely must.
Ever since my obsession with that film and Julia Roberts as a child, I have been absolutely smitten by everything about this song.
You're all invited to my wedding.
Ari Kokol will be singing this at the reception while my husband and I share our first dance as a married couple.

9. Man In The Mirror

-Michael Jackson

This one makes me cry every time. The music video is amazing.
For my 11th birthday, my mother bought me the DVD of "Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits." I was seriously thrilled. It's still, to this day, one of my favorite birthday gifts of all time.
I used to watch all of the music videos daily. I could not rest until I watched the entire thing.
"Black or White" (which is my second favorite of MJ's songs) was always my favorite music video. I would dance the entire thing.
But this one, even at age 11, would make me cry.
It's just one of those things that hits close to home. You know?
I cried when Michael Jackson died. He is absolutely and completely legendary.
And beyond brilliant.

8. High and Dry
Radiohead has a huge piece of my heart.
And, no matter the situation, or how stressed or upset I might be,
this song calms me down.
The reasoning behind this is unclear. 
But all I know is that whenever I listen to this song, I inhale a little bit longer and let the tears come freely if they feel they must fall.
The music video is fantastic. And Thom Yorke is beautiful.

7. Streets On Fire
-Lupe Fiasco

This song doesn't have an official music video. But it definitely deserves a listen.
I don't know how most people feel about rap music, but it is in my top three (if not my top one) of favorite music genres. It speaks to me (literally, haha).
A lot of people think of it's disgusting qualities and nothing else.
But rap can be some of the most beautifully expressed art, in my opinion.
Lupe Fiasco is such a man.
His words are real.
And I love him.
This song has a lot of significant meaning to me.
Whenever I sit and really listen to the words, I get the chills.

6. Sigh No More
-Mumford and Sons
This song also doesn't have an official music video.
So this is as good as it gets.
"Love, it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you. It will set you free."
I feel like I have no need to explain why this is in my top ten.
But I will, anyway.
I just have this image ingrained in my mind of him, sitting in my passengers seat, with the window down, singing this chorus at the very top of his lungs.
And that may or may not be a contributing factor as to why I love this song so very much.
That, and Marcus Mumford's utter brilliance.

5. Float On
-Modest Mouse

Thank you, Modest Mouse, for helping me get through some of my toughest times.
"Sometimes, life's okay."

4. The Tourist
Yes. Another with no official music video. 
And, yes. Another Radiohead. Because, well, it's Radiohead.
Sit in an empty field in the middle of the night. 
Let it be just you, the crickets, the stars, and this song.
You will be a changed person.

3. Your Song
-Elton John

The official video for this one is, in fact, a live performance.
I originally fell in love with this song the very first time I watched "Moulin Rouge."
Elton John is a beautiful human who wrote the most beautiful song.
This one has a special place in my heart. It's the same place in my heart where the human that I directly associate this song with resides.Shelbie Judith Anne Elizabeth Shill? This one's for you.

2. Ain't No Sunshine
-Bill Withers

I fell in love with this song because of yet another one of Julia Roberts' phenomenal performances in the 90's classic, "Notting Hill."
The 90's were glorious days for chick flicks...
This song is so simple yet so powerful.
It's the perfect heartbreak song.
Bill Withers deserves and award for this song. It's perfect. In every way.

for number one,

drum roll, please.
1. Let It Be

-The Beatles

If you know me at all,
you knew this already.

This song is my solace.

And there you have it.
My favorite songs.

What are you top ten songs?
And what's the importance of each of those songs to you?

Music speaks directly to the heart.


Saturday, December 3, 2011

to create

there is an irresistible urge that comes sometimes. it comes from deep inside my heart. it comes when i am inspired. i have weeks of inspiration; my mind goes one million miles a minute for days at a time and i write down ideas and i even act on some of them. and i have so many things i want to create.
i walk inside the hfac and i want to stay. i peer inside the classroom windows and all i can see is equipment and colorful posters, and i want to be inside. i want to create.
i want to paint every day, i want to take photos, i want to sing, i want to choreograph because i can't dance myself. i want to assemble, to write, to sculpt, to arrange. i want to create.
i think about the end of my life. i think about what i want to leave behind. and it will be nothing if i don't create.
sometimes i wonder if what i am doing is right. i am studying the creators and the creations. i am studying, not creating. i long to be the creator. but i am not talented like that. my creations have significance to me, i could not ask for them to be displayed. demand for them to mean something to others. plus, i think the greatest artists never set foot in art school. it's something they just are. i think a school telling you what and how to create takes all the creativity out of you.
but then i sit in a lecture hall under a towering slide of stella or rothko and all the others around me don't understand. they don't feel anything. but i do. and there's not that many people like me.
so i remember that i can teach people how to see. how to feel. and maybe if i can teach people that, i can create a world that is a safer place for creators. i can create beautiful minds that will create beautiful manifestations.
so maybe that's my role in this line of creation. i won't ever make objects that are meaningful to you. but maybe i can teach you to make them yourself.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

December. The First.

Today marks the beginning of the end of 2011.

It's cold outside.
But I don't dress warm because the feeling of the hairs on my arms standing up straight makes me feel alive.
And I'm grateful.
Grateful to be alive.

December is my month to reflect.

What have I really spent the last 11 months doing?
Was 2011 worth it?
Am I happy with who I am?
What have I learned?

The answers to all of these are endless.
And it's the years with the endless answers that I know were good ones.
Because that means I'm different. And I usually find that "different,"
in a progressive sort of way,
means "better."

This was the hardest year yet.
And I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out to be my hardest year ever.
Only time will tell.

And as pleased as I'm going to be when it's over in 31 days,
I will be sad, too.
Because this was a learning period for me. A chapter.

The chapter right before things start to look up.
The one where the problems are over and I'm learning to heal.
The one that marks the end of the misery and the beginning of the rest of my life.