Thursday, December 27, 2012

i know a lot now about love
not everything.
but i know a lot now about the important loves.
the loves that cross oceans and international date lines
& unite people that seem to be quite opposite.
but really, we are never opposites, are we?
we cry and laugh and learn and eat and shop and climb stairs and wash clothes and say hello
and we love love love.
we have a lot more in common than we have in differences.
i know about the real love that grows in smiles and laughter,
even when verbal communication is impossible.
it's not about your car or your dryer or dairy, or even your past and your broken heart.
your heart matters. your personal state matters--but it is not everything. we are not here only for ourselves. if we were, what point would there be in life at all?
it's about the people.
it's always about the people.
you have the power to love an entire nation-
the entire world-
right in there.

it's hard to feel your broken heart when you're giving it all to others.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I will [not] miss you.

 Note: This is a hate post, and maybe some of the meanest things I'll ever say on this blog. Don't say I didn't warn you, and if you're looking for something happy, maybe read something of Hannah's. Happy Hannah. Mad Mallory. Are you seeing a theme, here? Also note that all of what I am about to say is very heat of the moment. I'm just feeling fired up and I'll probably cry about this later because I feel bad about it. Because that's what you do when you love people: you hate them.

It seems as though I've made a lot of promises in the past. Extensive, "forever" types of promises. Making such statements of assurance is very unlike me, but I guess I was feeling infinite.

Or maybe I was just hoping to feel infinite.

Either way, I destroyed yet another beautiful thing.
And the word "infinite" is beginning to make me cringe.

You did that to me.
You turned me against my own favorite word.

I'm sad, I suppose. Not because I've lost you.
But because I've lost a piece of me.

The piece of me that I gave to you.

But I suppose it's rightfully yours now. Do with it what you please.
But I'm mostly hoping you forget about it. Or that you lose it with the rest of your dignity.

My biggest concern right now is how much I stopped caring.

I'd still like to punch you, but I'm hoping I never get the chance.
Because that means I'd have to look at you.
And, frankly, I'm not sure if that's something I'd ever like to do again.

You can say every mean thing to every other person.
It doesn't matter anymore.

Because no one is as sad and pathetic

as you.

So why don't you just stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Might as well, right?

I hope you have a miserable life.

And I really mean that.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

For the sake of sanity and all that is holy.

Is it just me or..

is it just so damn hard to come up with words lately?

Emotions are easy. Those are running in at lightning speed.
And, without warning, I just have them.

But words? They have left the building.

I'm not trying to blog about writers block, really.

I'm just trying to blog about the time I never wrote anything because I was feeling everything and it was just too hard to come up with something.
So I wrote nothing.

But nothing can still be something.
Even if that something is just the word, "nothing."

And lately, nothing is my everything.

And everything is definitely something.

So I'll stand on a cliff and let the wind fly through me.
Like Keira Knightley. Pride and Prejudice style.

Because being Keira Knightley seems like a solid solution to most of my problems.

Sorry that there hasn't been anything to read around here lately. Check out to keep up on Hannah's Chinese adventures!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The truth is

that I need someone who speaks for themselves.

Because, frankly, you can't speak for yourself.

And I can't spend

all of my time

trying to speak for two people.

The other truth is

that I'm in love with a pair of brown eyes.

And the way that they bat their eyelashes and the way that they cry and the way that they wink and the way that they wrinkle when he smiles.

And, sometimes, I really feel like I can see the whole universe when I look directly into them.
And there's nothing more infinite

than that.

And the last truth

is that nothing cures anything the way that pudding cures everything.

And all important life lessons can be taken from The Breakfast Club.

And that's it:
The truth.

And we'll all float on.

Saturday, August 25, 2012


i read a short story, once, and in it it described how every age you've ever been is like a tiny tin can inside another tin can, and on and on, like russian nesting dolls, and all the while all your ages are rattling inside you.
i was thinking about it on my walk to school, and i thought that maybe love is like that, too. maybe all the people we meet and love make our hearts grow, but our hearts grow layer by layer, person by person. so the reason our hearts can be so big is because we've loved and been loved by so many, and the influence of those people rattle inside us as we move along.
but maybe not, maybe that's not what love is at all. who really knows?
but i do know that i can still feel certain things rattling inside me. certain people rattle inside my heart, making noise and reminding me.
i wonder how much of me i really am, and how much if me is a conglomeration of all the people i've met and all the love i've felt.
i wonder if my determination is jenoa rattling inside of me, or if jackson's tin can is what makes me so still or if trevor's drives me to be kind,
and maybe julia and whitney are where my laughter comes from and the way i squeeze people's hands comes from mikelle's place in my chest, and maybe mack gave me two aspiring green thumbs.
sometimes i imagine sunshine coming right out of my core, through my eyes and into the world, and i think that sunshine is mckay's, and the wrinkles in my nose when i laugh are steve's;
i ask emily's questions and listen with ari's ears,
or at least all that is what i'm trying to do.

and i could go on and on,
and on and on,
but if you're ever around and you hear rattling,
it's my heart making room for your's, too.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


all my apologies for my rather angst-ridden post of yesterday.
i should know by now not to blog on bad nights.

have i told you thank you lately?
thank you so much for reading this.
thank you so much for supporting me.
it's just a really nice feeling, sometimes, to know that 209 people care about what i have to say, or did at one point.
ya'll rock. i mean that from the bottom of my heart.

love to you,

Monday, August 13, 2012


i read my sixteen year old self's journal, today. i haven't done that in a long time, because it's hard to read. if anything, i skip the entire first half and pretend it didn't happen. but i read it, straight through today, and it still hurt but i did it. i felt like i knew her but i also knew that i wasn't her anymore. she had a strong idea of what she wanted to be; i have an unshakable knowledge of who i am.
i was smart and i was stupid. but i'm glad i learned through experiences rather than lessons because that solidifies my values for the future. i was sixteen when i started this blog, and i think you can see how much i've changed if you've read back.
i used to care a lot about my image and what i was saying--making sure it was original and unique. i cared a lot about the music i listened to and the clothes i wore, and i remember i would like things because i wanted to stand out, not because i actually liked them. i didn't realize that when i was doing it, of course, but i think we're all like that at some point.
if i could speak to that sixteen year old, i'd tell her she was doing just fine. that she'd make a lot of mistakes but to remember who really loves her and what real love is. i'd tell her she has some amazing people in her life and she will meet countless more who will change her. i'd tell her that i understood why she didn't write much, but i'd ask her to push past the pain and write the stories anyway. because even though she thinks she never will, she'll forget what hurt and why.
i'd tell her to remember what her best friend said when he called to see if she was okay after she broke up with her boyfriend, and to realize that he is one of the best friends she will ever have.
i'd tell her to pay more attention to when she got feelings to make friends with someone, because the one time she did well at following through, it changed both of their lives. i'd tell her to be more supportive and to have a little more faith in falling in love, because even if it fails in the end, it doesn't mean it never was true.
i'd tell her to get a darn job, because her college student self seriously needs some cash.
i'd remind her of her potential and the importance of time and not to lose it. i'd tell her that it honestly won't matter in the end that she didn't get asked to very many school dances because she'll always make good memories on those nights anyway.
i'd tell her not to try too hard to impress people and try a lot harder to please god, to keep her kisses meaningful, and not to confine herself to any molds.
but she already knew it. she might not have acted on it, but i will.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

I'm so happy you exist.

Have you ever loved someone so much that your very heart shakes at the sight of them?
So much that their pain hurts you more than your own?
So much that not even the most majestic of landscapes compares to how beautiful they are in your eyes?
So much that you'd prefer to find constellations in their freckles than in the stars overhead?

Have you ever loved someone so much that there are no words magnificent enough to express the infinite sunshine that pours out your fingertips and all throughout each strand of your hair when they take you in their arms and tell you that they love you. And that they will never let you go.
Of course, you could never let them go, either.

Because you love them that much.
Enough to hold on tight and never let go.

People have tried to define love since the beginning of the word itself. Even the dictionary so vaguely describes the most binding and beautiful emotion that human beings have the ability to feel.

Of course, only Shakespeare (and Marcus Mumford) could squeak out words nearly worthy of the discussion of love.

As I read Sonnet 116 at the foot of that bed on that lazy afternoon, it hit me.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle's compass come: 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

No one says it like Shakespeare. And in that, he doesn't even say what it feels like, only what it is: 
Everlasting. Limitless. Eternal. Infinite.

Have you ever loved like this?

While I understand that love will "set you free,"
there's no where I'd rather be than locked in your arms.
It's like I'm the bird with and opened cage who chooses to stay inside.
Because you're my home.

"Guess what?"
"I love you, too." 

Sunday, July 22, 2012

apple tree bench

and in all your actions remember to be you,
do not compromise
do not rationalize.
remember that hearts are not to be played with,
words are not to be said without sincerity,
and that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.
remember to love and to like for the right reasons
and learn to say no when you know something isn't right for you.

i have a friend, a beautiful one.
and he has the most excellent ability to immediately know
which people and things fit his life
and which don't.
and when he knows which do,
he loves them absolutely and without question,
with the biggest, truest, sun-shiniest love.
and when he doesn't,
he drops it.

he's my inspiration this weekend.

always be striving to align what is You in your very core to what is
you on every level.
make who you are to your acquaintances, friends, family, teachers, heroes, and followers
the same as who you are to God.
this is the goal that i will never quite reach,
but this is the one i am working on.

note to self.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

You don't have to read this. But it's probably maybe about you. So you can if you want. I guess.

I love the way you love art. And the way your laugh is a melodic giggle that shoots to the skies and turns the sunset purple. I love your sense of humor and the way you make the ordinary appear extraordinary. I love the way you love your family and the way you make me think that there really will be a brighter day. I love the way you're strong. And the way you don't let anything tackle you to the ground. Because you're better than falling. You're flying. I always wished I could be flying like you. But you're the flyer and I'm the faller and you are the one that inspires me to get back up. I love that you're my best fly and that you are forever young. I hate that I don't see you very often and I hate that we're adults now, and, mostly, I just hate that I'm not you. In fact, I don't know a single person that knows you that wouldn't like to be you. Because you make you look like a pretty great you. "Every single thing that comes out of your mouth is a hyperbole." "Um.. That was a hyperbole."

I love the way you freak out. And the way your eyes get huge when you're confused. I love the way you forced me to be your best friend. Not against my will, just against my comfort zone. Because you knew we were great together and I was afraid of that. But we are great together. And I'm so happy you exist. I like the way you're fluent in Spanish, but pretend like you don't understand it at all. I love the way you make dresses look casual and t-shirts look sophisticated. I love to hear you say you want a sandwich in Swedish. I love the memories we have. I love the way everyone loves you. I hate the way distance comes between us and the way we get psycho about things and yell at each other. But I love the way you still get me. And you know, more than anyone, that I'm a flake. And I'm a horrible friend. And you still love me. Because you know that, in retrospect, we're still there for each other. Until the end of our days.

I love the way you seem so simple. Like the sky is yours. And it is. You have a small body but you are much bigger than that. Your blonde locks and tiny feet are my favorite things about you. You are beyond words to everyone that knows you. I love that about you. I love the way you say nice things, even though I'm pretty sure you don't mean them a lot. I hate the things you say about me when I'm not around and the way you think I'm a "tool," amongst other things. I'm sure you have good reasons for thinking such, and I agree with you, mostly. And even though you say that, I still like you a lot. I still think you're pretty great. I hate the way I get all chopped up to you. I hate the way we don't really know each other from each other, only from other people. But sometimes it has to be that way. And you're still the sun and the stars and all the planets to me. Because there is something about you that is so beyond this world. I love the way our conversations are always short, but they are always meaningful. And you deserve the best. I sincerely think that. "I'm sorry I talk so much," I said. "It's okay," you replied. "I like to listen."

I love the way you look like a six year old in a man's body. And the way you flail around with your ankles showing. I hate the way things ended, but I love the way things were and I wonder where you'll be in ten years and I wonder if, in ten years,  I will know where you are. I wonder why I know you and if it's all that necessary. I mean, it is for me, but not really for you. And I wonder if meeting you was just for me or if you got something out of it too. I love the way you laugh with your nose, like you're snorting almost, and the way you talk about that girl like she's the world to you. Because she is. And I hope you marry her. I love the way you are so grateful and the way you always said I was still a good person. I needed that.

I love the way we're twins. And you're the pretty, blonde one, and I'm the awkward one, but we're still twins and I've never felt anything less than a sisterly bond with you. I love the way you're so beautiful, but make the most hideous faces. I love the way you're a mystery to everyone except those who know you deep down. I hate the way we fight sometimes, and I hate the mean things I've said to you, but I love the sleepovers on your deck and the way I can't help but just tell you everything. I love the way the world feels like it's in perfect harmony when you sing and the way you make hard things, including life, seem so beautifully simple. I love you and your green eyes and the way you glow. And every single Tuesday I think of you. Because "today is Taco Tuesday." And sometimes I sing that song when I miss you.

 I love the way you just call me to chat and we never run out of things to say, even if they are things we've said before. I love your mind and the way it never stops for anything. I love the way you think and the way you see things and the way that we've been so close for so long. I love the way you answer stupid questions and your giant cackle that vibrates the world when you think you're funny and I think you're funny, too. I love the way you wear your threads better than anyone who has "swagger." I hate the way I don't see you very often and I love the way you make promises and keep them. I love the way you feel like family and I feel like a million trillion dollars when I'm with you. I love the way the ladies love you and your freckled skin that matches mine. And I'm just so happy that I met you and that I'll be able to tell the whole world that we were best friends when you become a big deal. "Mowry, fish don't eat macaroni and cheese."

I love the way you stare at me and don't stop even when I stare back. I love the way you laugh and the way you appreciate my ridiculousness. I love the way you love music and the outdoors. I love the way you always agree to disagree. I love when we lay there and stare at the ceiling for hours, just talking. I love the way you try to dance even though it's clear that you can't dance. I love the way you would kiss me mid-sentence. I hate the way you pretend like I don't exist when you're angry, but I love the way you apologize and the way you say "mmkay" instead of "okay" and somehow your little quarks make you that much more wonderful.

 I love the way you have with words. The way they just swim right out of your mouth as if there wasn't even a thought before you said it. You just say it. And you always say it just right. I hate the way I'm jealous of you, but I love the way people tell us we're alike, even though I say that we're not and act offended. I'm really not. If I had to choose anyone to be a mini-me, it would be you. And that's why I'm so happy that it is you. I love the way you talk about things that matter with such a lightness. I love the way you glow and you don't even know it. And even though you're younger, I've always looked up to you. "It's fine," you tell me. "It's fine." And, you know what? It really is. It really is fine.

I like the way you start your sentences in a high pitched tone. And I like the way you dance when you're in the zone. I hate the way you put me down and love the way you bring me up. You are the most and least supportive person in my life. I hate the way we're like oil and water, but I love the way we blend. I hate the way we're the most contradictory human beings that have ever existed. But, of course, I love that, too. I love the way we reminisce for hours. I love the way you have the best one-liners. I hate the way you don't know how beautiful you are. I love the way we talk about the future. I love it when you cry at TV shows. "I'm six, and you're three. Three plus three equals six, so I'm just going to tell everyone that we're twins." Three years isn't that many years apart, but you've always been so much smarter than me.

I like the way you're so perfectly you. I love how you love cats. Because I love cats, too. And I love the way you've grown up so beautifully. Because you really have. And I love the smile that you make when I tell you that I'm proud of you and I hope you know that I really am proud of you when I tell you that I am. I really, really am. And I love the way you get teary at the sunset and I love the way you love the little things like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and corn dogs. And I love how freeing it is to be with you. Because you're the most beautiful person in the world, and I hope you know it. I love your face when you play the guitar and I hate how incompetent I feel next to the talent that you have. I hate how it used to be but I love how it is and I love the way you do your eye liner. You're my best friend. And I love that about you. "Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen."

I like the way your eyes light up when you feel strongly about something. I love your one dimple and the crazy things you can do with your face. I love your flawless hair and the way we really, truly know each other through and through. I love when we stay up all night and I hate when we fight the next day. I love it when you roll your eyes after I complain. I love it when we love each other. I hate it when we hate each other. I love it when you tell me I'm your best friend, and I hope you know that you'll always be mine. Every day, I thank God for the fourth grade. Because heaven knows I needed you then just as much as I need you now.

I like the way you smell and the feeling of your eyelashes on my nose. I like your collarbone and the way you smile when you are uncomfortable, but flattered. I love the way you talk for miles about things that don't matter at all, even though I tell you that I hate the way you do that. I really love it. I really do. The only thing I hate about you is the way you don't believe me when I tell you that I love you. Because I really think I mean it. I know you want to drag me by the hair and take me to the devil, but I want to drag you by the hair and hang you from the heavens. I hate it when you walk away. And I love it when we talk like little kids for way too long. And I really hope you're in my life forever. And, more than anything, I love the way you kiss my shoulders.

Thanks for being in my life.
Really. Thanks. 

I don't know if I'd die without you,
but I sure wouldn't be quite this alive.

Monday, July 2, 2012

get through it

you know,
pain isn't a hill you can climb
or a box you can close and stand on top of.
our challenges and our grief aren't things we
can just "get over".
so don't expect yourself to just get over it.
because it's a maze and a jungle and an ocean,
suffering is,
and you'll have to follow the map
and you'll have to improvise, too,
and cut vines down with a machete and
make sure you have a big oxygen tank and flippers.
but the promise is that you will get through it,
and that's a lot better, too,
because running and climbing and swimming is a real work-out
and you'll have some strong muscles to help other people through at the end.

so don't have expectations
and don't be afraid to ask for help,
especially from God.
'cause He always listens,
even when you say, "look, i just can't do it right now. lend me some strength?"
He will give it to you, right then and there.
and i think you'll also find that when you stop for a second and look around,
you'll see some friends running and climbing and swimming, too,
and there's this magic thing where when you help them,
you'll end up helping yourself, too.

those are a few things that i've learned.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

still life with lemons

you're real beautiful inside, don't you know?
all sorts of colors.
there's always new ones to find
& it can be a real adventure to really remember who you are again.
what makes you plum purple and what makes you lemon zest yellow?
what turns your heart into byzantine blue
or your eyes mint green?

and won't it be exciting, one day, to share all those things you did
and all those things you were and loved and learned
with somebody new?
and you can tell them about the time you were light blue like the lines on a china plate
and when you discovered you had all sorts of fiery red in you.

and won't it be beautiful,
because all a sudden,
i think,
together you'll make all sorts of new colors.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

The man in my life.

The Breakfast Club's
John Bender.

Never was there such a man that I loved as much as he.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


i've listened to this song a million times in one week
& it says everything my heart is feeling
& it feels like the love that is waiting for me.

funny thing
i was only putting up a video so you could hear it--
i've never watched it.
but this video is exactly how i feel.
i pretend not to be,
but excuse me while i'm a romantic.


i'm taking one step at a time
and it's leading me to you
even though i can't see the end.
& i can feel a little bit of the love we'll have
and i can hear it
and i can see it, too
because it's everywhere.
it's in the sky
and it's a pinprick in the center of my heart.
i can feel it because i know you
i know what you are:

keep going, okay?
and we'll know it when we feel it.

you feel my head with pieces,

Friday, June 8, 2012

It takes two.

Two is a very special number. It's the most special number.
The most life-like things come in two's..


I want to be a lover.
But I want to be a fighter, too.
I want to fight for the love I feel.

And I want to kiss someone who knows just how to kiss me. And laugh with someone who knows just how to laugh with me. And cry with someone who knows just how to cry with me. And travel with someone who knows just how to travel with me. And dance with someone who knows just how to dance with me. And sing with someone who knows just how to sing with me. And live with someone who knows just how to live with me. And be infinite with someone who knows just how to be infinite with me.

And love someone who knows just how to love me.

And I hope we get married.
On a cloudy day.
And I want him to throw his fist in the air. Like John Bender on the Breakfast Club.
Because he got me.

We'll be two lovers. Lover 1 and Lover 2. We'll make red body suits that say that on them and prance around with crazy blue wigs on if we please.
Which we probably won't please, but we may be tickled at the idea.

And we'll be so romantic.
And he'll cover my eyes and surprise me with things like picnics and puppies and paintings and I'll make him breakfast in bed simply because I love him and he loves me and we love maple syrup. And he'll mow the lawn while I make spaghetti and we'll slurp it until our mouths meet and we'll laugh until our chairs fall over. And he'll read Shakespeare to me so that I can fall asleep. Because the man that loves me will always make sure I'm asleep before he is. And he'll kiss my nose, and I'll pretend I was too asleep to notice. And we'll paint the walls yellow and paint the front door blue and paint the town red and we'll be all the colors because we're together.

And we will be lovers.
Two crazy, giddy, carefree, undeniably happy lovers.

For eternity.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

just an announcement

due to my impending travels to china,
i've decided to start a new blog here.
i wanted to get into the swing of things there before i left.

& i'll still be posting here.
this place is just too good.

anyway, join me on that new adventure, if you wish.

Monday, May 28, 2012

the road to success

working is hard.
one of the hardest trials i've been dealing with lately is trying to find the balance between my big beautiful dreams and the fact that in reality, i get paid minimum wage for putting cookies in boxes at 6:30 every morning.
i can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. i want to be working somewhere that i care about.
it takes a toll on my self-esteem. if i'm going to all these interviews and applying for all these jobs that i am well suited for and enthusiastic about, why am i never getting chosen? why can't anyone see the potential i have?

yesterday as i was driving to jenoa's house to teach her a little bit about photoshop and indesign i drove past this little cluster of bright orange poppies on the side of the road. it was gorgeous and it was just right there, in the middle of nothing. i wondered how the seeds got there and why it was such a small patch. then i remembered that i have the ability to see beauty in things that other people don't. that's a good talent. thank heavens i have at least one good talent. but what the heck am i going to do with it?

we got to talking about our futures and everything we want to accomplish, just like we always do. the beautiful thing about jenoa is that she isn't afraid to have crazy dreams and she doesn't judge anyone else's. she has endless talents and opportunities and she could take a lot of "safe" roads, but she's not going to. because she's brave.
we looked online for apartments in paris that we'll live in one day when she's starting a clothing line & i'm doing all her art directing and graphic design work. it's a beautiful dream, and i have no doubt in my mind that she will do it.

then when i got home i sat on the couch and thought more about success, and i thought about how careers are a big part of it but they are not the extent of it. my success as an individual is dependent upon my love, how i used my talents to serve others, and the things i created. i may not ever have a huge career. but i can easily control and manage the way i am interacting with others.
the truth of the matter is that yes, i will be successful. i will be unconditionally successful because i am setting my own terms for success.
read that again:
i am setting my own terms for success.
i am not following the stereotypes and i am not allowing others to judge my worth based on my resume.

but in reality, i'm writing a severely unorganized blog post that maybe 5 people will read through, after completing 7 job applications.

a few months ago i got a letter from lindsey, and in it she said, i would say that you're going to the change the world someday, but i believe that you already have. 
she didn't know how much i would need that.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Bigger isn't always better.

I can hear so much in the silence. And when I stop, for only a moment, and listen, the world is a new place. Nothing is more astounding than the loud silence that fills your entire body when you're walking the streets of Manhattan or standing in front of a painting that speaks to you, but silently, of course. And your whole body becomes someone else.
That's how I know we are ever-changing. We are evolving within ourselves with every step. With every blink. With every thought.

My feet are so loud, but my voice is so soft.
And I wonder if anyone can hear me when I'm yelling, but I fear that everyone can hear me when I walk.

The world's funny that way.

We fear being watched, being understood, being out of place.
But we drive ourselves crazy just to be noticed or admired.

I don't know much.
But what I do know is that pistachio ice cream is delicious, I will never love a man more than my father, and people will be people.

I will be me. And you will be you.

The silence taught me that.

Yes, dear.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

what really matters

how many hours of sleep you get, your un-glamorous summer job, your poor grade on your last physical science test--they don't matter.
what matters is how many love notes you write, how many smiles you give, how many phone calls you make to friends you haven't seen in a while.
that boy that doesn't treat you right? he doesn't matter.
love matters. big, heart-bursting love. 
loving everyone matters. loving even people that don't love you back.
letting go matters.
books matter & facebook doesn't
being honest matters & being strung along doesn't
driving the distance to spend time with people you love matters & gas mileage doesn't
scriptures matter & cleaning your room doesn't, as much
and the worn pages of a letter you've read a hundred times matters & distance doesn't.
God matters, and the god inside everything around you matters. the divinity inside of you and inside of everyone you meet. that's truly important.
minimum wage for now and grocery shopping and a pair of purple shorts you can't afford--they are inconsequential.

note to self.

Monday, May 21, 2012


This kid goes to Lone Peak.
For those not from Utah Valley, that is the "rich kid" high school in the area.
He's an incredible videographer.

Due to the high level of teen suicide at the school this year, he made this video.
It's a must watch. And truly stunning work. Plus, it's to one of my favorite songs, "Montana," by Youth Lagoon.

Just... watch it.

Oh, how beautiful life is..


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Oh. Hey Manhattan.

Yes. I promise to stay awhile.
And, yes. I love you too.


Sunday, May 13, 2012

what's keeping me going

weihai, china: i'll be seeing you in three short months!!

(i hope you appreciate that i just used TWO exclamation marks. this is serious excitement, guyz. I'M LEAVING PROVO!)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

provo's bizarre dating practices, episode one

hot tubbing.

and by hot tubbing i do not mean "sitting in a hot tub with your friends".
i am referring to the bizarre social/dating event practiced every night (except sundays!) in the city of provo.
pick any spring/summer weeknight and you'll find hordes of YSAs wearing their best swimsuits at the nearest apartment complex's hot tub. sitting there, just sitting there, staring at each other. staring at wet, under-clothed strangers.
since when was this the cool place to pick up potential dating partners?
i mean, pools? sure! swim around and make new friendz, whatevs. but hot tubs create this palpable sexual tension that i'm just not okay with. plus, i have a strict no bros dating policy (not that i'm assuming that bros would ever want to date me, because they wouldn't) which leads to my general dislike of people who hot tub. one of my roommates has a crush on this dude that she works with. he told her that he goes hot tubbing weekly at our apartment complex, so she should come down and meet him there sometime. so yaknow, naturally, we all went with her. 
i'll spare you all the details, but you should know that the highlight of the evening was meeting an albanian named flacka (no offense to her, she was seriously awesome). 
mostly my point is that provo makes no sense to me. word of warning: when they tell you everyone is love-hungry in the springtime, they are not kidding.
i'm not trying to sound like a dating authority because oh heck no, i am not. but i do know a little bit about actual relationships, because i've seen a lot. and i've seen a lot end.
and you know what it all comes down to? it comes down to how honest you are, your attitude, & trust.
start looking for that instead of the hot tubber with the nicest bod, yeah? ...oh i should really stop being so cynical--go for it if you want to. for me, i'm not going to find anything worth keeping in a hot tub.

in the meantime, take a look at these talks:
elder holland, how do i love thee
president hinckley, and the greatest of these is love

to all you young, single provo residents: chill. yeah, it's springtime. yeah, all your friends might be getting engaged. but the right one will come along when they're supposed to. and they'll be all that sunshine you dream about, and they'll look at you with disney eyes & you won't care what other people think so you'll mack in public, all will be a bed of roses,
and the rest of provo will barf. 
til then, 
" In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person's care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure. "
--elder holland

don't waste your time and don't settle.

good love is on the way,
promise, so don't try too hard for it,
& instead just become the best you can be,


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Unlikely Story.

Every ending is a beginning.
It's just hard to see it when the tears are flowing and the flash-backs kick in.

And you loathe nothing more than time itself.
Because it wouldn't wait for you to embrace the scent or the scenery for as long as you would have liked.
It ran. It sprinted to the finish line.
But you didn't even get the chance to say goodbye.

You never saw it coming at all.
But it came. And it ended. And who woulda guessed that this is who you'd be.

You never know who your real friends are until you shave your head.
You never know what your real feelings are until someone asks you in your sleep.
And you never know how much stuff you have until you put it all in boxes and take it somewhere new.

Someone yell "Timber."
I'm falling down.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

those summers

two years ago i was crawling on the grass with a boy, spying. we were whispering and giggling--
my heart said
kiss him and i didn't.
a few months later we were watching fireworks in a grove of trees with blankets over our shoulders,
my heart said kiss him and i didn't.
a few weeks later he wrote me a letter
-your love will be safe with me, he said
-maybe you should give him your love then, my heart said, but i didn't.
a summer later, i met him again on red bleachers, the blue polka-dotted dress, the new bon iver album. fireworks.
my heart said, he's back. kiss him, but i didn't.
that summer found us on the swing in my backyard, a bowl of cookie dough every night, drops of jupiter, tangled. the drowsy half-sleep on his shoulder, a few forehead kisses and i love yous, the longest hugs & my ear on his heartbeat.
one year ago he slipped me a note,
-your love will always be safe with me, it said,
so my heart said try again this time, and i tried
but the problem was that we were both trying to slip our love into the other person's pockets,
but that's not where you put your love, you have to transfer it in gentle handfuls, in the open.
so when my heart told me again, kiss him,
i didn't
and i let him go instead.

this summer won't be one of those summers.
& the funny thing is, i don't regret it.

they always tell you, kiss him when you have the chance,
but i don't regret it.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


it's important because it is what makes life worth living. you should care because it's the record that we will leave behind. it is a symbol. of us. of what we thought was important. of the people we praised. the values we embraced. it should not be forgotten or dismissed as frivolous or arbitrary. our ability to express is central to our human nature. without it, we are machines. animals. there are emotions tied up inside each of us that can't be loosened by a nutritious meal or penicillin. you can live a whole lifetime with perfect health and a steady job but no matter what you do, you may never feel alive. you can exist, but you will never be alive unless you have the ability to loosen your soul. unless you have a song to hear, a brushstroke to make, a ear to listen, a tongue to speak, an eye to read, a heart to see.
those paintings on the wall are not collections of pigment. they are a visual record of ideas, beliefs and emotions. they are human life and experience and spirit in a tangible form. they are not always supposed to click with the logic in your brain. they are supposed to enter your heart. their purpose is to stir you to feel things that you have absolutely no words for, things i cannot explain. the gallery is a spiritual communication between human beings without the barriers of words and bodies. it is a place to understand and to feel understood.
it is the only earthly thing with enough power to cross every boundary.
that is why there is a geometric statue in the middle of the grass over there. that is why there is a pile of hay in the hfac.
they are not objects. they are what the people we call artists use to make all the floaty stuff, all that emotion and pain and joy and idea and passion, into something real. they represent far more than a shaped piece of metal; a placement of material. they are the culmination of a life of observation and research on humanity. they represent a career. this is a life work. this is important.
and maybe the reasons why this is important are not communicated very well or even at all. give us a little slack, here, the reason they are artists is because they speak without words.
but just wait, i will change that. i will be the liaison between the heart and the brain. i'm working on it now. i used to only be good at heart-talk. read the early blog posts--i couldn't communicate with words. i've improved. i have developed a talent through this blog and other avenues to connect hearts and minds with a few words. that's a special gift, and i'm going to use it so i can connect the art and the hearts to an understanding, and i will do that through words and an effective communication of ideas. until it's really changed, have a little faith. have a little faith in me when i tell you there is meaning and significance there. have a little faith in beauty, in the people who make art, in your ability to understand through your heart. have a little faith in ideas and stop relying solely on technique.
have a little faith in art, have some in me,
and one day i'll make sure you have the tools to understand, if you choose to do so.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


you know that feeling? the warmth of familiarity?
it feels like the coziness of being in a room full of people you love, when you're all snuggled up on the couch, half-asleep and laughing.
or maybe you're all sitting around a fire, or maybe it's just a big mosquito repellent candle, but the love is tangible.
or maybe it's when you lay on the floor for hours and listen to the music play and listen to the breath of those people around you.
or maybe it's those hugs, the kind that strain your neck in a beautiful way, the kind you don't let go of for a very long time.
it could be laying on the warm asphalt on summer nights in front of your house,
or how natural it can feel to have your arm around someone's waist, and someone's arm around your shoulder.

you know that transition? the point where someone shifts into your "familiar"?
it's a beautiful moment.
and all of a sudden, you understand their smiles, you could recognize their voice anywhere, and you think back to the time you were first alone & their voice sounded so new
and how their face first looked to you
but now, you can't see their face in your mind
because it is so much more than their face. this is the moment when your imagination of them changes from a picture to a soul; a conglomeration of memories. a feeling.
this is called love,
and this is the moment of no going back--they've crossed the heart-distance.

they say that home is where the heart is
and maybe it's a fault of mine, but i tend to put my heart into everywhere i go. it covers the corners of all the rooms i stay in; it seeps into the wrinkles of all the hands i've ever held.
and it's hard to know that everything is so temporary
but i heard from someone, once, to live in each place you go as if you'll be there for 10 years. don't think of it as temporary. think of it as home. gather loved ones, live your life, and do not remove yourself because you know you'll be gone soon.
that was good advice. that is my only regret.

to allow something to become familiar can be terrifying sometimes. to let yourself become attached when you know you or it won't stay. it's risky. it guarantees a hard goodbye.

but to miss is a lucky thing.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Sometimes we'd lay there, and it would be so dark that I couldn't tell if my eyes were closed or not.

And in my memory, you were there.
But my memories are empty. And I can't remember details anymore.

I woke up this morning and realized that I don't know why. Or how. Or when, really.
But I do know that there was a reason for it. A very hidden and nondescript reason.

And I can miss you until my face turns blue. And I can try over and over again to replace you or relive what we had with someone else. But I know I will never be successful.
And nothing can change the fact that I have a life to live. And so many people to meet. And mistakes to make.

The problem is that I don't feel you anymore. I thought my memory of you would live on so perfectly. But I'm starting to forget.

I'm forgetting how it feels to hold you. I'm forgetting how it feels to laugh with you.
I'm forgetting you.

I read past journal entries that don't make sense and look at pictures that I don't remember taking.

My love for you was endless. Or so I thought.

And now I look back and wonder if my old man was right.
But of course he was.

"You'll make mistakes. You'll regret things. You'll fall in love. You'll fall out. And that's life."

I make mistakes.
Maybe you were a mistake. I'm sure my old man thinks so.

But I hope that if there's one thing I never forget,
it's that you were the most beautiful mistake I ever made.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

i could see for miles and miles and miles

& one year ago, i was in beautiful, colorful paris.

today i came full circle again. it seems to be happening a lot lately.
i sat on the top floor of the HFAC in a room full of windows, covering myself with plaster in the process of creating a sculpture. i watched the clouds move in and the sky turn gray.
the time came to leave. i sat in between the glass doors trying to stuff all my art projects into my backpack to protect them from the rain, which was falling faster and faster now.
i stepped outside with re: stacks blowing up my headphones, just like on all the rainy days. i was a little bit bugged at first, because the rain ruined half of my sculpture and my cubist piece. i put on my hood and i watched the ground.
then, after i had thrown my art into a nearby trash bin, the beauty hit me. i held my head up, and i said hello to the people i passed, and i reached my hands out just like i had six months ago.
and my heart filled right up, of course it did, and i smiled to myself as i waited for the crosswalk to change because your love will be safe with me.
so i listened to stacks again, and i walked up the stairs and when i reached the bell tower, i stopped and looked. everything was so colorful. the trees had become fuchsia and the mist covered the mountains and the white petals that had fallen from the trees lining the sidewalk looked a little bit like snow, the grass was so green, the alive kind of green. it was breathtaking. so i stood and i got wet and i smiled and i was filled,
the kind of filled i haven't been for a good while.
i thought about the last time this happened, when the world was turning orange and red and yellow instead of green and pink and white. it seems like centuries ago.
and i'm not like a tree, because after they lose their leaves, they stop growing until the sun decides to shine again. i lost lots of things, but i made sure i kept growing, with or without the sun, but mostly with it because i am not sessile and i could find my own sunshine. and now it's time to be colorful and share beauty, and i was in need of a fresh start, a new color of green, and i didn't know it until this evening.
and it feels good to be surrounded by my favorite color again.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

happy birthday

to the most beautiful, deeply talented, passionate, determined, blunt, smart and hilariously cynical girl i know.
i love you mallory, with my whole heart. thank you for being my best fly & one of my best friends, you are truly stunning in so many ways. i wish you all the joy this world can give, because you deserve it.

i love you, and i will never stop!


Thursday, April 5, 2012

This can't be happening.

Things are spinning.
But I'm standing still.

And I don't know why I'm so miserably happy.

But I can stand in front of a crowd of strangers and scream out words that aren't really mine.

Because, somehow, other people's words are easier to say.
My words are terrifying.
They are honest.

They are uncomfortable because they are mine.

And the truth is that I don't understand it.
I've never been this confused.

It was exactly like the movies:
Weak in the knees. Shortness of breath. No words. Magic.
My heart stopped for that one moment.

And, somehow, I just knew.
It was you.

It has to be you.

And I feel like a silly, giddy, stupid little girl.

Who knew I would ever come to this?

Not me.
That's for darn sure.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

because of who i am

us at conference

i sat on a park bench with my father, and he asked me how i felt about him leaving the religion that i still live and  love and believe,

and i said, "it makes me sad."

and i started to cry, the kind of tears i only cry when i'm with him.
and i explained that it made me sad because it is the biggest part of my life, my God is the biggest part of my life, and my father was an example to me in that for so long. he said to me that he couldn't believe that people knew, he only thought they could believe.

so i looked him in the eye and said, "i know, dad. i know."

and he asked, "how?"

i explained to him what happened the day i found out that he had left. and i said, "i know because of who i am. because this could have ruined me, but look at who i am. i chose to give all my burdens to God and he took them and he never left my side, and i am proud of who i have become."

"i'm proud of you, too," he said.

today, as i walked in the conference center for general conference, my problems immediately melted. i felt so warm, so joyful, so free. i felt love just overflowing out of my soul. i got to listen to the prophet of God speak today. in the very same room that i was in. and a thought kept coming into my mind, telling me that this was the very best place on earth that i could be at that moment.

and i don't know if it gets annoying or offensive that i seem to bear my testimony so often on this blog, but this is the real deal. i know it. i love it. the reality of God keeps opening up to me and the temporary state of everything else keeps becoming more apparent. i am so grateful that i was once strong enough to choose the refiner's fire instead of another road, because my trials and my faith have combined to become a crucible that made me who i am.

i am iron-willed and soft and patient and filled with love and strong, determined, honest and open, and all of those came as gifts from my Father in Heaven. i can't take credit for any of that. but i'm proud of what i've allowed Christ to make me, and sometimes it's okay to stand up and say "I AM GOOD! I AM ME! I AM LOVED!" because you are. i am.

i can do this thing called life, and i can do it well.

Friday, March 30, 2012

This is a tribute.

A tribute to my favorite movie.
And to John Bender, the man of my dreams.

"And these children that you spit on,
As they try to change their worlds,
Are immune to your consultations,
They're quite aware
of what they're going through"
-David Bowie

Long Live The Breakfast Club.

Monday, March 26, 2012

and the truth is

...that i miss you.
there's a space in here that no one else can fill,
you're the only shape that fills this hole in my heart,
you really are.
you make me something better than i am
& i like who i am the most when i'm with you.
i miss how i told you every detail of every day
i miss being hanny
i miss snowcones on curbs
i miss giggles
i miss dolphin-shaped pb&j's
i miss watching episodes of friends every night
and i miss scrunchy, smiley eyes and noses.
the way you somehow got a lot more tan than i did last summer
the way the swings sounded under us
the way the wind felt coming through the window of your truck
the way you tell me to stay sweet.
i regret that we wanted too badly not to cry that i didn't tell you i loved you
i regret that i didn't hold on longer for that last hug
i regret that i never exactly told you
that you kept me going,
that you were so often my strength and my sunshine,
that you know me in a way that probably no one else will again.

and maybe one day you'll be right,
maybe one day we'll fall in love.
you called that one, so many years ago under bright yellow leaves.

but maybe not,
and that's just as good.
because i had you then,
i have you now,
i'll always have the boy...

and i tried right there to insert something that describes you, but i can't, because you're everything.

i'll always have the boy who was everything.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

don't go.

i want to keep you.
will you let me put you in my pocket?

i'm used to people leaving, i think.
it's what i expect.
and so when you become important to me,
i will cling and claw to try and keep you, because i am terrified that one day you will wake up and you won't want to keep me anymore.
so i do everything i can to keep you,
which will probably end up being the thing to drive you away.
(am i talking about physical distance? no, i'm talking about heart distance here)
and i'm sorry,
i'm sorry i can't stop worrying deep inside
i'm sorry i don't trust enough to let life happen
i'm sorry i can't always stay so calm
i'm sorry i can be so desperate.

and even though i shouldn't
and even though i would never admit it
i love far too easily,
far too quickly.
my heart is full of it, it's spilling out, and it's splashing on everyone i meet.
i love you in the most basic way,
i love you in the way you love in feelings without knowings
i love you in the way that isn't need; i love you in the hopeful way.
but the bottom line is
i love you.

and i am so very aware that love rarely ever stays
but that won't stop me from wanting it to,
it won't stop me from trying to keep you.
i will keep trying to keep you.
all of you.
all of the yous i've ever had.

and that is my downfall.

don't go.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I have done some things I'm not proud of.

And I'm fully willing to admit it:
I'm not proud of hurting the one I loved the most.
I'm not proud of cheating my way to the top.
I'm not proud of making fun of the girl who just needed a friend.
I'm not proud of letting my anger win and punching him in the face.
I'm not proud of telling her that I hated her when all she ever did was love me.
I'm not proud of my various well-deserved titles, including (but not limited to) "bad influence," "boyfriend steal-er," and "cold heart-ed beyotch."
I'm not proud of leaving him behind just to teach him a lesson that I didn't even know myself.
I'm not proud of saying "yes" when I should have said "no."
I'm not proud of saying "no" when I should have said "yes."
I'm not proud of making excuses and jumping to so many conclusions.
I'm not proud of lying to him. And him. And him. And him, too.
I'm certainly not proud of my constant forgetfulness.
And I'm not proud of my slight history of cheating in card games.

But, all things considered and all doubts and downfalls aside,

I am proud of me.

Because I've done some difficult things.

And I'm proud of you, doubts and downfalls aside.
Because I know how hard life can be. And here you are, still living.

I hope you're proud of you, kid.
You owe it to yourself.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

the comfort zone

i used to be that girl who kept to herself for fear of interruption.
i would rather keep a small number of close friends than try branching out.
i'd stay home on weekends and snuggle up with a book instead of going out.

then i decided to be brave. i decided that a long time ago, actually. and since then, i've done a lot of living. i was talking with my mother the other day about all the opportunities i've had. all the places i've gone, the lessons i've had, the experiences in general. she told me that i was very lucky; my siblings won't have the same opportunities. and she's right. thank heavens i took advantage of them.

still, i'm not as courageous as i could be. and it's been something i've been working on a lot this year. i challenged myself to make more real friends at college, and i have. i have exerted myself to be more involved and it has been very rewarding. everyone here makes me so happy, and i've even been lucky enough to meet a few who really strike a chord with my heart. the ones that fit, that your spirit knows, you know? and i wouldn't have found that if i hadn't acted.
that's been the smallest step. today i found myself completely outside of my comfort zone multiple times. i started a job as a tutor at provo high school. so there i am in the library, trying my best to recall any trigonometry i've ever learned in my life, teaching low-income students who are probably speaking spanish about me behind my back. but i loved it. i loved the kids, so much. they're beautiful, sweet people. i feel so lucky to have service and money-making meshed into one job. right now, i'm babysitting my neighbor's children until saturday. babysitting was never my thing. domesticity is not my thing. but i love this, too. and it feels so good to increase the size of my comfort zone while i'm increasing the size of my heart.
also, i have made the executive decision to pack up and move to china for 4 months this fall. teaching english to little ones. should that be scary? i'm not sure. but sometimes, it feels good to be fearless.

i feel a lot more free than i used to. i can feel my place in the world fairly easily as i move around in it. that's a huge blessing, i think. i remember feeling out of place. it's not very fun. there's a lot of life available for living. it's waiting for me to grab it, to hold on and ride it out. and it would be the greatest disappointment to one day reach the end and wish i would have played it a little less safe, been a little less practical.
i was never much one for practicality, anyway.
you know, at this age, there are countless opportunities and decisions to be made. a lot of times adults will dissuade you. you're wasting time, money, resources, intelligence, etc. and it's true, there are most definitely consequences. but you've got to weigh them. are your dreams worth it? are they worth thousands of dollars, months away, possible loneliness? i think they often are. yeah, it may be kinda reckless. but we're young. i can't say we don't have anything to lose, because we do. but we also have everything to gain.

what's the most courageous thing you've ever done, and what did you learn from it? please, tell me.

Monday, March 12, 2012


But he was looking at her, yeah all funny in the eye
She said "come on boy tell me what you're thinking
Now don't be shy."
He said alright, "I'll try

All the stars up in the sky

And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you."

She said "what?"

He said "let me try and explain again

"Right, birds can fly so high

And they can poop on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you"

She said "what?"

He said "you"
She said "what are you talking about?"
He said "you"

She said "thanks, I like you too"

He said "cool"

--birds, kate nash

do you realize how beautiful the sky is today?
i am happy.
i am wearing my paris dress
i'm listening to james vincent mcmorrow
i'm filling out china forms
and i am happy.

i'm thinking about the way i was two years ago. the way me and little jacob were when we got called to seminary council and then we became best friends. i was thinking about it because i sat on his couch saturday night and he was playing his guitar and singing songs and he was really good. and he didn't use to be that good. and he's grown up so much, he's going on that mission, and i'm really impressed with the man he's becoming. and we aren't the two 16 year olds who bonded over obscure bands, nor are we trying to be anything cool anymore. we just are. we're ourselves. and so is everyone else i know from high school, and i wonder if that comes with age or if it comes with the times, but none of us seem to care about obscure bands or being cool anymore, and we would have denied that we cared when we were 16 but in retrospect, we really really did.
i'm thinking about how me and jacob and jackson and whit and ari went to see tin tin at the sticky shoe on saturday night, but the film caught on fire so we watched the image burn away, quite literally, and it was really kind of beautiful, but then we didn't get to see our movie. so we went to jacob's and listened instead.

i'm thinking about that.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

If you have not yet seen this film,

then you should drop everything and see it now.

The music is fantastic.
The cinematography is sensational.
The story is inspirational.
And R.G. is beautiful.

Monday, March 5, 2012

sun makes me think like a laura

But a friend of mine says it's good to hear
That you believe in love even if set in fear
well I'll hold you there brother and set you straight
I wont make believe that love is frail
And willing to break

goodbye england--laura marling 

i know more about love today than i have before.
a little bit more,
and this time a little bit more about what it is instead of what it isn't.
and you know,
i don't think it's a frail thing,
i think it's a sturdy thing
maybe a stubborn thing sometimes
but always kind
always changing
but never very fragile.
because we are fragile
or maybe we're just too careful.
but love is strong
because it still exists
it persists
and the reason it breaks is because a person decides to break.
because love doesn't have a mind of it's own,
we do. 
it's never love's fault. love is always good.

that's what i think about it today.

and it is 63 degrees outside and people are laying on blankets
i received a surprise scholarship from the art history department
i'm going to china to teach english to children this fall
jorg spells cruisin' "kroesin" in his head now because of me
i'm swinging with my little brother in my own backyard this afternoon,
and you know there really is no place like home
an anonymous sweetheart colored me a picture and wrote me a poem and left it on my door
and i would like to say thank you to the void
and my heart feels bittersweet but mostly i am happy
because magic ones really exist
and i found one
and he's so magic that i can't keep him
but that's a lucky thing
because if he would let me keep him he wouldn't be so good.

and i really like sentence fragments and lacks of punctuation and starting sentences with conjunctions.
just like laura cottrell.
and she's beautiful.
and she thinks right.

you look really good today
go outside.