because of who i am

us at conference

i sat on a park bench with my father, and he asked me how i felt about him leaving the religion that i still live and  love and believe,

and i said, "it makes me sad."

and i started to cry, the kind of tears i only cry when i'm with him.
and i explained that it made me sad because it is the biggest part of my life, my God is the biggest part of my life, and my father was an example to me in that for so long. he said to me that he couldn't believe that people knew, he only thought they could believe.

so i looked him in the eye and said, "i know, dad. i know."

and he asked, "how?"

i explained to him what happened the day i found out that he had left. and i said, "i know because of who i am. because this could have ruined me, but look at who i am. i chose to give all my burdens to God and he took them and he never left my side, and i am proud of who i have become."

"i'm proud of you, too," he said.

today, as i walked in the conference center for general conference, my problems immediately melted. i felt so warm, so joyful, so free. i felt love just overflowing out of my soul. i got to listen to the prophet of God speak today. in the very same room that i was in. and a thought kept coming into my mind, telling me that this was the very best place on earth that i could be at that moment.

and i don't know if it gets annoying or offensive that i seem to bear my testimony so often on this blog, but this is the real deal. i know it. i love it. the reality of God keeps opening up to me and the temporary state of everything else keeps becoming more apparent. i am so grateful that i was once strong enough to choose the refiner's fire instead of another road, because my trials and my faith have combined to become a crucible that made me who i am.

i am iron-willed and soft and patient and filled with love and strong, determined, honest and open, and all of those came as gifts from my Father in Heaven. i can't take credit for any of that. but i'm proud of what i've allowed Christ to make me, and sometimes it's okay to stand up and say "I AM GOOD! I AM ME! I AM LOVED!" because you are. i am.

i can do this thing called life, and i can do it well.