Monday, May 28, 2012

the road to success

working is hard.
one of the hardest trials i've been dealing with lately is trying to find the balance between my big beautiful dreams and the fact that in reality, i get paid minimum wage for putting cookies in boxes at 6:30 every morning.
i can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. i want to be working somewhere that i care about.
it takes a toll on my self-esteem. if i'm going to all these interviews and applying for all these jobs that i am well suited for and enthusiastic about, why am i never getting chosen? why can't anyone see the potential i have?

yesterday as i was driving to jenoa's house to teach her a little bit about photoshop and indesign i drove past this little cluster of bright orange poppies on the side of the road. it was gorgeous and it was just right there, in the middle of nothing. i wondered how the seeds got there and why it was such a small patch. then i remembered that i have the ability to see beauty in things that other people don't. that's a good talent. thank heavens i have at least one good talent. but what the heck am i going to do with it?

we got to talking about our futures and everything we want to accomplish, just like we always do. the beautiful thing about jenoa is that she isn't afraid to have crazy dreams and she doesn't judge anyone else's. she has endless talents and opportunities and she could take a lot of "safe" roads, but she's not going to. because she's brave.
we looked online for apartments in paris that we'll live in one day when she's starting a clothing line & i'm doing all her art directing and graphic design work. it's a beautiful dream, and i have no doubt in my mind that she will do it.

then when i got home i sat on the couch and thought more about success, and i thought about how careers are a big part of it but they are not the extent of it. my success as an individual is dependent upon my love, how i used my talents to serve others, and the things i created. i may not ever have a huge career. but i can easily control and manage the way i am interacting with others.
the truth of the matter is that yes, i will be successful. i will be unconditionally successful because i am setting my own terms for success.
read that again:
i am setting my own terms for success.
i am not following the stereotypes and i am not allowing others to judge my worth based on my resume.

but in reality, i'm writing a severely unorganized blog post that maybe 5 people will read through, after completing 7 job applications.

a few months ago i got a letter from lindsey, and in it she said, i would say that you're going to the change the world someday, but i believe that you already have. 
she didn't know how much i would need that.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Bigger isn't always better.

I can hear so much in the silence. And when I stop, for only a moment, and listen, the world is a new place. Nothing is more astounding than the loud silence that fills your entire body when you're walking the streets of Manhattan or standing in front of a painting that speaks to you, but silently, of course. And your whole body becomes someone else.
That's how I know we are ever-changing. We are evolving within ourselves with every step. With every blink. With every thought.

My feet are so loud, but my voice is so soft.
And I wonder if anyone can hear me when I'm yelling, but I fear that everyone can hear me when I walk.

The world's funny that way.

We fear being watched, being understood, being out of place.
But we drive ourselves crazy just to be noticed or admired.

I don't know much.
But what I do know is that pistachio ice cream is delicious, I will never love a man more than my father, and people will be people.

I will be me. And you will be you.

The silence taught me that.

Yes, dear.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

what really matters

how many hours of sleep you get, your un-glamorous summer job, your poor grade on your last physical science test--they don't matter.
what matters is how many love notes you write, how many smiles you give, how many phone calls you make to friends you haven't seen in a while.
that boy that doesn't treat you right? he doesn't matter.
love matters. big, heart-bursting love. 
loving everyone matters. loving even people that don't love you back.
letting go matters.
books matter & facebook doesn't
being honest matters & being strung along doesn't
driving the distance to spend time with people you love matters & gas mileage doesn't
scriptures matter & cleaning your room doesn't, as much
and the worn pages of a letter you've read a hundred times matters & distance doesn't.
God matters, and the god inside everything around you matters. the divinity inside of you and inside of everyone you meet. that's truly important.
minimum wage for now and grocery shopping and a pair of purple shorts you can't afford--they are inconsequential.

note to self.

Monday, May 21, 2012


This kid goes to Lone Peak.
For those not from Utah Valley, that is the "rich kid" high school in the area.
He's an incredible videographer.

Due to the high level of teen suicide at the school this year, he made this video.
It's a must watch. And truly stunning work. Plus, it's to one of my favorite songs, "Montana," by Youth Lagoon.

Just... watch it.

Oh, how beautiful life is..


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Oh. Hey Manhattan.

Yes. I promise to stay awhile.
And, yes. I love you too.


Sunday, May 13, 2012

what's keeping me going

weihai, china: i'll be seeing you in three short months!!

(i hope you appreciate that i just used TWO exclamation marks. this is serious excitement, guyz. I'M LEAVING PROVO!)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

provo's bizarre dating practices, episode one

hot tubbing.

and by hot tubbing i do not mean "sitting in a hot tub with your friends".
i am referring to the bizarre social/dating event practiced every night (except sundays!) in the city of provo.
pick any spring/summer weeknight and you'll find hordes of YSAs wearing their best swimsuits at the nearest apartment complex's hot tub. sitting there, just sitting there, staring at each other. staring at wet, under-clothed strangers.
since when was this the cool place to pick up potential dating partners?
i mean, pools? sure! swim around and make new friendz, whatevs. but hot tubs create this palpable sexual tension that i'm just not okay with. plus, i have a strict no bros dating policy (not that i'm assuming that bros would ever want to date me, because they wouldn't) which leads to my general dislike of people who hot tub. one of my roommates has a crush on this dude that she works with. he told her that he goes hot tubbing weekly at our apartment complex, so she should come down and meet him there sometime. so yaknow, naturally, we all went with her. 
i'll spare you all the details, but you should know that the highlight of the evening was meeting an albanian named flacka (no offense to her, she was seriously awesome). 
mostly my point is that provo makes no sense to me. word of warning: when they tell you everyone is love-hungry in the springtime, they are not kidding.
i'm not trying to sound like a dating authority because oh heck no, i am not. but i do know a little bit about actual relationships, because i've seen a lot. and i've seen a lot end.
and you know what it all comes down to? it comes down to how honest you are, your attitude, & trust.
start looking for that instead of the hot tubber with the nicest bod, yeah? ...oh i should really stop being so cynical--go for it if you want to. for me, i'm not going to find anything worth keeping in a hot tub.

in the meantime, take a look at these talks:
elder holland, how do i love thee
president hinckley, and the greatest of these is love

to all you young, single provo residents: chill. yeah, it's springtime. yeah, all your friends might be getting engaged. but the right one will come along when they're supposed to. and they'll be all that sunshine you dream about, and they'll look at you with disney eyes & you won't care what other people think so you'll mack in public, all will be a bed of roses,
and the rest of provo will barf. 
til then, 
" In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person's care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure. "
--elder holland

don't waste your time and don't settle.

good love is on the way,
promise, so don't try too hard for it,
& instead just become the best you can be,


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Unlikely Story.

Every ending is a beginning.
It's just hard to see it when the tears are flowing and the flash-backs kick in.

And you loathe nothing more than time itself.
Because it wouldn't wait for you to embrace the scent or the scenery for as long as you would have liked.
It ran. It sprinted to the finish line.
But you didn't even get the chance to say goodbye.

You never saw it coming at all.
But it came. And it ended. And who woulda guessed that this is who you'd be.

You never know who your real friends are until you shave your head.
You never know what your real feelings are until someone asks you in your sleep.
And you never know how much stuff you have until you put it all in boxes and take it somewhere new.

Someone yell "Timber."
I'm falling down.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

those summers

two years ago i was crawling on the grass with a boy, spying. we were whispering and giggling--
my heart said
kiss him and i didn't.
a few months later we were watching fireworks in a grove of trees with blankets over our shoulders,
my heart said kiss him and i didn't.
a few weeks later he wrote me a letter
-your love will be safe with me, he said
-maybe you should give him your love then, my heart said, but i didn't.
a summer later, i met him again on red bleachers, the blue polka-dotted dress, the new bon iver album. fireworks.
my heart said, he's back. kiss him, but i didn't.
that summer found us on the swing in my backyard, a bowl of cookie dough every night, drops of jupiter, tangled. the drowsy half-sleep on his shoulder, a few forehead kisses and i love yous, the longest hugs & my ear on his heartbeat.
one year ago he slipped me a note,
-your love will always be safe with me, it said,
so my heart said try again this time, and i tried
but the problem was that we were both trying to slip our love into the other person's pockets,
but that's not where you put your love, you have to transfer it in gentle handfuls, in the open.
so when my heart told me again, kiss him,
i didn't
and i let him go instead.

this summer won't be one of those summers.
& the funny thing is, i don't regret it.

they always tell you, kiss him when you have the chance,
but i don't regret it.