Monday, May 10, 2010

the future.

there's two subjects that get me into a weird, excited, ramble-y state of mind. those two subjects are art and the future.
lately, all i've been thinking about is now, today, what i have to do, will i ever get it done? which is no wonder considering the abundance of finals and projects and ap study sessions that fill my days.
but here's a shocking fact i've been forgetting:
there IS a future!
the saturday before last, i was driving home from salt lake city with my mom and the rain was pouring and i remembered this fact. we had just been at a cinco de mayo party, and at those kind of things i always end up talking to adults, (some say i'm good at talking to adults. i don't know if i am. but i like it a lot; they've already been all the ages i have and more. sometimes i feel like adults are amused by me and my aspirations. other times i think they might be jealous because they forgot to do everything they loved when they were younger. anyway.) and i started talking about where i might want to go to college and that i want to be an art history major and such things. i don't think the lady i was talking to was all that interested in this, but hearing myself say it out loud reminded me that i WILL be doing it someday.
although at this very moment i am hannah, 16 years old, in preparation for her ap art history test on wednesday, hannah who's life has finally settled down a little bit, i won't always be this way. yeah, the now is important, it's true.
but we hear it so much: live in the now! appreciate life at this very moment! someday you will be old and wish you were young!
and that has a point, i mean, the only time to be happy IS now, but this now mindset can be a little bit dangerous, i think.
sometimes when i forget that this moment isn't the only thing that matters in the grand scheme of things, i have a tendency to get prideful, or unforgiving, or selfish.
the tests and stress that surrounds me now will someday be replaced by different kinds of tests and stress. but there is something special that lies in the future, and that is hope. sure, there will be more hard things to endure, but there will be a lot of happy ones too. why can't we appreciate the now while also remembering to prepare and hope for the glorious future we all dream about?
does this make any sense? probably not.
thinking about the future makes me happy. i like to lay in my bed when it rains and think about things. how i'll meet my husband (in front of a matisse), where i'll live (seattle), my house (a smallish 40's white cottage), my job (curator at a museum), my children (almah? lilah? levi? aiden? rumi?), my husband (tall, handsome, marine biologist), things we'll do (eat chinese on christmas eve eve, go see movies in our pajamas, dance in the kitchen, paint the walls)...
regardless if these things actually come to pass, that hope for the future will always be intact.
things may be hard right now. but it won't go on forever. reality is difficult. but isn't okay for me to wish that chemistry class was just over? or that my family will just be okay?
maybe i'm wrong for wishing away the present difficulties of life. but i'm hopeful for a beautiful future.
whatever my past, i have a spotless future.
we are all faced with a series of great opportunities-- brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.
for my part i know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.-vincent van gogh

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you look really good today!