Sunday, October 17, 2010
a sunday smile six : the ferris wheel.
as hard as i try,
i will never be a simply eloquent writer. like mallory.
i write sloppily.
sometimes i wish that i could just straighten out my thoughts and write something that makes perfect sense. that really shows who i am.
my thoughts have never been structured. my mind goes around and around. like a ferris wheel, really. one thought comes to the top and as soon as it does another one is not far behind.
that's exactly how i picture the inside of my mind.
a brightly-colored ferris wheel glowing in the night.
and the things i think aren't so much words as they are feelings.
i don't ever fully understand things. mostly, i just know how they feel and how they fit.
it's one of those things i cannot explain. as hard as i try. i cannot explain how i feel in an art museum or when i read poetry. there is no words for it. a feeling so deep that it must have root in my soul and not only in my heart.
and maybe it's a weakness, but for me, feelings do not equal words.
and if they do, it's just a sentence fragment.
but the thing about my messy mind is that i get to explore it. the illogicality of it makes it that more fun to get to know myself.
i've been doing a lot of that, lately. getting to know myself.
you know when after something huge happens to you, and you say you've learned a lot, and then people ask you, well, what have you learned?
that question is so broad. i've learned so much. (and to echo mallory, a lesson of what love is was certainly one of them. she's brilliant, really. i never could have worded that).
they aren't lessons i can teach. only lessons i can live. life has shifted and shaped me, gradually, and i didn't even notice it coming.
so the other day, i looked at my face in the mirror as i was leaving. and i did a double take.
i thought for a second.
that girl, right there. she's really me. how weird is that?
so i proceeded to contort my face into every creeper face in the book.
yep, still me. i'm me. the only one that will ever control this body. the only body i will ever live in.
and something surprising happened.
i said 'i love you'. right to my face. out loud. there in the bathroom. 'you're pretty, even if you have a perma-zit. you're smart. people like you. i love you.'
it's funny how accepted you can feel once you accept yourself.
i thought i was perfectly self-confident. and i was, but the thing is, i'm an evolution. parts of me keep changing. i'm not the same girl i was a year ago or a month ago or whatever. i need to renew my confidence in who i am often, because who i am keeps changing.
so my challenge to you, on this rainy sunday, is to do a little renewing yourself.
on the drive home, turn of the radio. and just think. you're allowed to talk aloud to yourself, if you want to.
who are you? and once you think about it, look into the nearest mirror, and tell yourself of your love. your love for your body and your mind and your spirit. your love for what you are capable of and what you've achieved.
and then move on with your day.
you are now free.