Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I have this issue.

With stairs.

I have a lot of issues with stairs.

They create a lot of internal angst and discomfort for me.
And I never know how to explain to people that the stairs and I are not friends.

One issue with stairs that I have is falling.
I fall down the stairs.
I fall down the stairs often.

In fact, I currently have a bruise on my back side that looks like this:
Please note that I drew this picture up to scale. There was no exaggeration done in the creation of this drawing.

Yes. That bruise is on my back left side. It has been there for almost two weeks now.
And this, my friends, is due to a nice little spill down a lovely wooden staircase.

I will have you all know that I am NOT a clumsy clumsicle.
I am VERY poised.
It's just that...
Those stupid stairs are out to get me! I know it!

And then, all of the sudden, 

It's terrible. Really. I don't know what I ever did to those stairs, but they are SO MEAN TO ME.

Another issue I have with stairs it that I can't walk up them in front of anyone.
And it's all my mother's fault.
You see, when I was a child, my mother would chase me up the stairs and pinch my bottom.
And I hated it.
And as fun as I'm sure it was for her, it has ruined me.

Now, no matter where I am, or what staircase I am climbing, I have to be last.
Sometimes, when needing to climb a public staircase, I have to wait for several minutes for people to stop arriving so that I can walk up those stairs in peace.
I have been late to so many important things because of STAIRS.
Yes. I am just that broken.
It makes for an awkward situation sometimes.
Or.. all the time.

Let me give you one of many scenarios in which I cause an awkward scene due to public stairs.
I go to a public staircase and wait for several people to go up so that I can take my turn. 
Just when I think the coast is clear, I begin my ascent to the top.

A few steps into my climb, I notice someone approaching the staircase below me.
So, out of sheer terror, I begin sprinting up the staircase.
The people in front of me notice me sprinting, and, out of sheer terror, they begin sprinting, too.

And it's all just really awkward.
I just dread staircases.

The other problem with my life is that I also hate elevators. 
Because I feel like I'm going to suffocate 100% of the time.
And because I had a bad experience on the Tower of Terror at Disneyland.

I am broken.
So very broken.
And I'm waiting for the day where I wake up with wings so that getting around isn't so dreadful.


  1. Ha. Haha. Mallory. I appreciate this.

  2. You're ridiculous and it makes me miss you helplessly.

  3. Stairs have always been rather nice to me. I'll speak with them; maybe they'll stop picking on you so much.

  4. MALLORY. my mother did the exact same thing to me, and i have the exact same broken-ness as a result. am always certain some stranger is gonna goose me!


you look really good today!