the road to success

working is hard.

one of the hardest trials i've been dealing with lately is trying to find the balance between my big beautiful dreams and the fact that in reality, i get paid minimum wage for putting cookies in boxes at 6:30 every morning.
i can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. i want to be working somewhere that i care about.
it takes a toll on my self-esteem. if i'm going to all these interviews and applying for all these jobs that i am well suited for and enthusiastic about, why am i never getting chosen? why can't anyone see the potential i have?

yesterday as i was driving to jenoa's house to teach her a little bit about photoshop and indesign i drove past this little cluster of bright orange poppies on the side of the road. it was gorgeous and it was just right there, in the middle of nothing. i wondered how the seeds got there and why it was such a small patch. then i remembered that i have the ability to see beauty in things that other people don't. that's a good talent. thank heavens i have at least one good talent. but what the heck am i going to do with it?

we got to talking about our futures and everything we want to accomplish, just like we always do. the beautiful thing about jenoa is that she isn't afraid to have crazy dreams and she doesn't judge anyone else's. she has endless talents and opportunities and she could take a lot of "safe" roads, but she's not going to. because she's brave.
we looked online for apartments in paris that we'll live in one day when she's starting a clothing line & i'm doing all her art directing and graphic design work. it's a beautiful dream, and i have no doubt in my mind that she will do it.

then when i got home i sat on the couch and thought more about success, and i thought about how careers are a big part of it but they are not the extent of it. my success as an individual is dependent upon my love, how i used my talents to serve others, and the things i created. i may not ever have a huge career. but i can easily control and manage the way i am interacting with others.
the truth of the matter is that yes, i will be successful. i will be unconditionally successful because i am setting my own terms for success.
read that again:
i am setting my own terms for success.
i am not following the stereotypes and i am not allowing others to judge my worth based on my resume.

but in reality, i'm writing a severely unorganized blog post that maybe 5 people will read through, after completing 7 job applications.

a few months ago i got a letter from lindsey, and in it she said, i would say that you're going to the change the world someday, but i believe that you already have. 
she didn't know how much i would need that.