Sunday, September 26, 2010
Once, I was very young.
And, when I was young, I had this image of myself all grown up.
Did you ever have that? Where you pictured the way you would look when you grew up?
When I was young, I imagined a tall girl, at least 5'10". She was very thin. She had red hair that was perfectly straight that went down to her waist. She had a thin nose, and flawless skin. She had perfect teeth.
For some reason, I always imagined her hair in a perfect pony-tail, wearing a blue jacket. And I had this still image of her in my mind, and she was at a party, dancing amongst faceless friends of hers, she being the center of attention.
I don't know why, but this is what I always imagined myself to look like.
Between the ages of 4 and 13, I couldn't wait to be in high school, because I would suddenly become this beautiful girl I had always imagined.
I'm in my last year of high school, and I'm still waiting to turn into this perfect girl I have in my mind.
And I'll be waiting forever.
It was only today that I realized I would never be her.
In fact, I had forgotten entirely about her.
But something sparked my memory.
And I began to wonder why it is that I set myself up for failure when I imagined this flawless person.
I guess it helped me learn that I have got to stop it with the expectations.
Because I'm only going to fail myself. And that's no good for ones happiness.
I would just like to say that I'm okay with not being this girl. Because I like the girl that I am:
5'7". Medium length, wild red hair. Awkward knees. Crooked ears.
That's the girl I actually am. And I like her. Because she's human.
She's not some made-up, super-being who is perfect in every way. In fact, she's not even close.
And I like her for that reason.
I'm learning to love myself.
I've never gone out of my way to love myself, really. So it's been sort of fun to look at my imperfections, you know, the things I have always hated about myself, and make them beautiful in my own eyes.
I have a man in my life. Sometimes I call him "father."
And he once said to me, "You deserve to be loved. Especially by yourself."
I would like to dispense this advice to every human being on the earth.
Because, if you deserve anything, it is love from yourself.