tell you

what i want to write about are the adventures i'm going to have in the next year. what i want to write about is what's waiting for me on the other side of the world, the other side of the country, the other side of the universe. how well i'm doing at acing college. taps on the arm and smiles and compliments. high, high swings and first kisses. what i want to write about is a whole family. a little brother, the cutest in the world. all the dates i go on, all the boys i woo, all the use i get out of wearing red lipstick. milk and honey, friends forever, 4.0's, museum jobs, enough money. i want to write about glittering lights and opportunity and cash flow, i want to write to you about the history of art, i want to write to you about how it feels to be in love.
what i can write to you about is worry. failure. the unknown. i can tell you about a broken family and several broken hearts. about how i thought he liked me, but then he disappeared the next day, and he just walked by my window and my heart still sped up again. the way those of the male kind seem to always run away, all but a few, all but one, one who's hoped-for letters send me to the mailbox at the central building every day but still haven't come. i can tell you about waking up far too early and how it feels to hit a wall, how it feels to move your french 321 class from top priority to the very lowest.

i'm not as strong as i seem.

regardless, i can still tell you about the shadows of clouds that move across the mountain and how good naps feel in the SWKT auditorium during political science class. that the entire group of boys that i know are about to spread across the whole world, the entire world, and light it up a little bit. i can tell you that i met one of the magic ones. you know, one of those people who are so humble and still that the most beautiful things about them are the things you have to do the work for, and if you find them, you know you're special, too. one of the ones that take time. i can tell you that china has the yellow mountains and the great wall and the terracotta warriors.
i can tell you that God is concrete and that he loves me and that i love him. i can say that i love life, i love living, but i honestly can't wait for the day when my soul floats up to join His, the day when my worries are over, the day when i receive eternal rest. i can say that i know that sounds morbid, but it's not, i don't have a death wish, i just need rest and i just love Christ.

i'm stronger than i think i am.

i will tell you that i can do it and not to worry, this isn't a bad day or life, just a hard one. i'm growing when i thought i would be done for a little while, but i guess i'll never stop, there's too much that i am capable of becoming for me to slow down. that i know i'm something special, that there's something beautiful inside of me that gets more so with every hard day i face with faith and a smile. i'm honestly happy. i am. i will say that i know there's a lot of really good things i'm going to accomplish in this little life of mine. i feel whole. i'm still not broken. i don't think i'll ever break. i'm grateful for who i am and where i am and what i'm doing, i'm grateful for all these crazy lessons i've had to learn so young, i feel like i have a head start on life because of it. i will say that i am 18 years old but i feel so much older and so much wiser than even the adults, they seem to make such crazy decisions sometimes. i will tell you that i'm safe and i'm working hard and that it will all be okay, and with every passing hour i'm getting better instead of bitter and i really think the person i fall in love with is going to be top notch.

i'm beautiful and strong and wise and so what could ever stop me?