weave it all together.

there's this life i'm living and i'm too good at compartmentalizing it.
i'm too good at being hannah the quiet one at church
or hannah the outgoing one on weekends or to strangers in class
or hannah the dry one to boys
or hannah at home, the centered one, the loved one, the understood one
or hannah with old friends and a blog, the deep one.
and consolidating all my selves has been and is the hardest thing to do.
to become consistent, that's what i want.
i'm getting there,
and the hannah that smashes plates and climbs into insanely large treehouses and swings higher than she ever has before is becoming gradually more like the hannah that looks at the stars and lays on the floor to listen to music in the dark and that hannah is becoming gradually more like the hannah that loves so desperately that all she can do is smile and that hannah is becoming gradually more like the hannah who makes friends out of strangers and can sometimes think of witty things to say.
the secret is, i think, that beneath all those hannahs there's a hannah who's prayers get answered every day and a hannah who's God feels a lot more concrete than anything else in her ever-evolving life, and that's the reason why all the other facets of my personality are coming together, and maybe one day, they'll unite, the day when i am completely consistent, the day when i am completely Me.
the thing is that this life of mine changes every second. one minute i am playing mad gab with so many new friends, and i'm dancing in a 50's outfit, and i'm meditating, and telling stories, and i love truly love them,
and i want to stay.
the next minute i'm at the farewell of one of my dearest, one that almost sends little stings to the corners of my eyes when i think of how much he's grown. and i'm surrounded by old friends, the ones who know me inside-out, the way that no one else will ever know me again, because they were present for the times that made me who i am.
and i love them so hard that i just want to stay.
but i can't stay and i know it. it will keep changing. more love will rush in. and i concur with tom robbins because he said the only serious question is who knows how to make love stay?
but i guess the answer is that love always stays, but people don't.
love always stays, but people don't.
it's bittersweet.

and i guess each day all i can do is be the most me i can be and love the most yous that i can.