There are days where you change, or your reputation changes, or something happens and you're just a little bit different than you were yesterday.
I recently had one of those days.
I walked into the school building and things automatically felt different.
I got vibes from people that made me uncomfortable, like I was naked, or like the entire student body had just read my journal. Or my mind.
I just carried on. People have a general dislike for me. I'm scary or something? That's just what I hear.
I guess it's fine. I don't actually care what they think or say or do. Or I thought I didn't.
Anyway, as the day proceeded, I understood what all the silent chatter was about.
And my heart sunk. Sunk entirely. And I nearly melted away.
I escaped. I ran. Because, well, that's what I do. I run.
In a single moment, as I sat in the corner of the school library, having an anxiety attack, it hit me.
I have an awful reputation.
I suppose it's deserved.
I knew I was viewed as an awful person with an awful past, an awful present, and a predicted awful future.
In explaining this to one of my dearest friends over text message, she sent me some words of wisdom.
"Mallory. Sing this with me now. 'I don't give a damn about my bad reputation.' That needs to be your theme song."
If you've ever seen the movie Shrek, think back on the part where Shrek and Donkey are smashing Farquad's men with chairs. Remember the song playing in the background, and how everytime you'd hear the word "damn" in it, your ears would perk up? That's the song we're talking about.
I laughed outloud when I invisioned myself smashing people with chairs in the middle of a castle courtyard.
But I was eased. And my head perked up. And I was okay.
Because, let's be truthful for a moment, these people simply do not matter. And as beautiful as every individual is, the opinions of people who are too terrified of me to even introduce themselves are as insignificant to me as the dust particles on my grandmothers book shelf.
I do wish that people didn't think me to be a bad person.
But, hey. Welcome to the world.
Where people feed off of gossip and drama.
I am what I am, and that is a person with a bad reputation.
A reputation is nothing but a silly judgement made by the outside world that doesn't know you at all.
|New York, NY|
I took this outside a window in the mall in April, 2010
Someday, I'll run off to New York, and my little Utah Valley reputation will no longer matter.
As for now, we stick it out and move along.